self-encouragement

This post is really more for myself, to come back and read when I'm not thinking clearly the coming few weeks. But, if you want to add encouragement, I sure could use it and would appreciate it!

I've always struggled with bad anxiety, and it seems to be the worst it's been in a looooong time. I'm so nervous about Hannah's arrival. For one, the doctors want me delivered by 37 weeks... so we decided the other day to figure out when that was, since I've been saying I'm due Dec 7, but really... that's Nov. 16! That's 9 weeks from today! AHH! (And Zach's one year birthday is TWO weeks from today!!!) Ok, so that just freaked me out...

But then, if you don't know, I had a c-section with Zach and am praying for a VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) this time. That leaves a LOT up in the air. For one, I have to go in to labor on my own prior to 37 weeks... So, that's one thing giving me anxiety.

Then, I have to pray she's not too large. Zach was born at 36weeks and 6 days, weighing 9.4 lbs. I think had things progressed differently, I really think I could have delivered him. The doctors say that if she's bigger than 8.5, yes, 8.5, they don't want me to try!!! :-0 Ok, I can say too bad and try still if I want... I think I'm willing to try up to 10 lbs, but idk, so that's all on my mind. And of course, she's measuring big already. (SoOOO not fair to me, because they blame it on my diabetes. While part of it is my diabetes, it's also that WE'RE NOT SMALL PEOPLE!!!... and I am taking GREAT control of my diabetes, it's just something that happens to diabetics)

My other option is that if I get to 37 weeks, and am already dialated a little bit, they can give me pitocin in really small dosages and watch out for uterine rupture. But all that scares me! Pitocin means stronger contractions, meaning I'd be more tempted to settle for an epidural, which could slow down labor like it did with Zach.

So, in a nut shell, I'm really worried about going in to labor, on my own, prior to 37 weeks, and everything that labor itself entails. I really, really want it to all work out and be "the perfect birth." My personal self-encouragement? God is in control. Whatever happens, God has Hannah and me in His hands and will take care of us. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows we want a VBAC because Jon and I really want 5 children. I need to know/remember that God knows that, and if he has me end up in a c-section again, he's got his reasons and that he will either change the desires of our hearts, or make it ok for 5 c-sections, or allow us to adopt. It's one of those things that I know God's in control, but when I'm uptight with anxiety, I forget about it or ignore it and need a good reminder.

So that's the basic anxiety part, but then, there's the childcare issue for Zach... Jon's best friend said he will watch Zach (he's currently a SAHD) but, he's trying to get a job. I have two women I'm hoping to ask from church who are SAHMs. I have been trying for like 2 weeks, with no luck yet, so here's praying I'll be able to this week.

Plus, trying to get everything else done, like making Hannah's bedding, painting her room (finding out if we can), trying to decide if we want to do childbirth classes again or not, Jon getting the time off, buying a dresser and mattress, putting that and the crib together, washing all of her clothes, trying to decide if she'll be born when it's warm or cold, etc. etc etc. With Zach, I had said I'd start getting anxious and nervous in Oct(he was due oct 22), but he showed up Sept 28, so I never had a chance. This time, it's all so overwhelming!!! Ok, I'm done.... If you read all of this, thanks for reading.