Spiritual Tug-of-War

I am currently reading three fabulous books. First, I am reading 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-it-Yourself Retreat. This is just about a 3-5 minute read each day, and it's truly blown me away with how wonderful it is.  The day I started it, it was exactly what I needed that day.

The second is "Mom Enough: The Fearless Mother's Heart and Hope"  It talks about the many fears we as mothers often have. Am I doing enough? Will I ever have a career again? Have I lost myself in this 'job' of motherhood? It's really what I've been needing as well.

And the final one is "On the Other Side of Fear: How I Found Peace". This one is about dealing with fears and anxieties, the unknown. I saw this one advertised on FB, and with the fear I've had over this move, I decided to look in to it.

The three books have intersected so perfectly. Most recently, "On the Other Side of Fear" suggested talking your fears and anxieties out, working them to their logical conclusion and figuring out what is the worst that could happen. So, for example, if we don't get orders this week, what then? If we don't get them until the week we're suppose to leave, what then? What if we don't get movers by the time we gave our landlord notice? Then we'll have to talk to her. I don't want to, but it's possible. What if we close on the house and then don't move to ID? Then we'll rent it out. When my husband and I sat down and talked all of my fears out to the possible ends, it really helped.

I was thinking about this constant struggle I feel, this tug-of-war if you will. One day, I feel like the Lord is in control. The entire move is in His hands, and it will all work out. I have a "Thy Will" approach instead of "My Will". I remember His command "Be still and know that I am God." and I am at peace.

But then, the fear creeps in. I start worrying about the stress of every thing last minute. I start fretting about getting orders and movers. I start getting worried about purchasing the house, the church in town, homeschooling, etc. All of these fears then begin to consume me. I feel like the old cartoon with the angel and the devil on each shoulder.

I loved this quote "...darkness and light cannot coexist." The same is true for love and fear. The author went on to say she prayed for peace, for the ability to surrender, and that amidst her fears, that she'd be able to trust God and His plan for her life. This is my prayer as well.

With this constant struggle, often tug-of-war relationship between love of God and anxiety and fear, I was feeling discouraged. And then, I read the beautiful wisdom of St. Therese in "33 Days to Merciful Love", as she's talking about a stairway to holiness. Imagine a young child is trying to climb this stairway with huge steps.

"Now, the child, who is all of us little souls, cannot even climb the first step of that big staircase -- we're too little. But Therese tells us to try. She says 'Raise your little foot to scale the stairway of holiness.' Of course, we won't be successful, but Therese then adds 'God requires you only to demonstrate your good will.' In other words, we just need to give it a try. And as we do, Therese tells us that God will be 'conquered by [our] futile efforts' and will then descend the stairway, gather us into his arms, and take us to the heights. So, Therese's point seems to be that our efforts in the spiritual life are absolutely necessary but also absolutely useless....The Lord doesn't demand that we attain all virtues (success) but that we simply keep trying (faithfulness)." (day 11)

God understand that I am trying to have peace, I am trying to leave it in His hands, give it to Him, not have worry and anxiety.

"In sum, then, the Little Way is often a little way of darkess. It's about accepting that we are to put up with ourselves -- with all the darkness of our weakness, brokenness and sin -- without getting discouraged. It's recognizing, without giving up, that some struggles are chronic. It's realizing, without despairing, that they may be with us till our dying day. But, it's also about realizing that this does not prevent us from becoming saints." (day 11, 33 Days to Merciful Love) 

With all of this said, we still don't have orders. My husband got an email on Thursday saying "We're working on your orders." (I can't even begin to explain my response to that haha!) Yesterday was a family day and the whole base was basically closed. We're going to stop by the office this afternoon and see if they arrived. We also got paperwork to close on our house. We've got to get a notary, so hopefully Monday we'll be able to do that and get those papers sent back and close on our first home! More on that later.

"God does not call us to be successful but to be faithful." ~Blessed Mother Theresa

Trusting God in the midst of a move

We are 39 days out of having to be out of Germany, and still do not have orders. Until we have orders, we can not schedule movers, schedule plane tickets, schedule hotels, etc. We're basically sitting and twiddling our thumbs. Our house is in shambles, everything piled in different corners of the den to be boxed up by men we don't know. Every other move we've done- four other moves- we have moved on our own. All of the stuff sitting in my den would already be boxed up, waiting for us to pick up the Uhaul and load it. But, it's not possible when moving back to the states. (When we moved here, we had everything in storage and the movers just picked it up and put it on the truck.)

Anyone who knows me know that this move has been a struggle for me. I know all the comments by memory. "You're going to love ID. It's in God's hands. Jesus, I trust in you. Give it to our Mother Mary." And while I know all of this, and know that I need trust God, at times, it's hard. My faith has been very lacking, and the past month has been very rough and dark for me. My heart says trust God, while my mind does what it wants, gets stressed, freaks out, plays all the 'what if' scenarios, gets anxious, and just stops trusting God, even saying I don't believe it's in His hands any more.

I realized something had to give. I realized I needed a Sacrament, the Sacrament of Confession. (I know many of my friends will not understand this Sacrament, and I really struggled with it before converting to the Catholic faith, but now, I realize it has so many benefits and is incredibly scriptural. This article explains it really well if you are interested in understanding our beliefs better.)    I finally went this weekend, and what a difference it made. It had been too long, and I think that I had not realized the impact of the darkness of sin on my life.

Aside from that, I had a friend encourage several of us to do "33 Days to Merciful Love"- a do-it-yourself retreat. It wasn't suppose to begin until Aug 27, but I just had to begin. I knew I was thirsty for something. I have done about a week, and am completely blown away. The whole first week was on trusting God. Yesterday's meditation talked about how Eve brought original sin into the world, and through her, we lost our trust in God. And that the New Eve- Mary- came to restore that doubt. We sometimes run from God because of our lack of trust, so He uses Mary to bring us back to Him. That she helps provide the grace to come back to Him.

At this time, I am at a place of peace. I'm trying not to worry, and just leaving it in the Lord's hands. It will all work out, just not the way I'd prefer. It will be stressful. But, it will work out.

Moving update

Everyone's asking, so here's the short end of where we are regarding moving. We don't know when we're leaving Germany, other than "By Sept 30". We still don't have orders (official military paperwork that says "You're moving to ID" and allows us to do things), so we can't plan movers, hotels, rentals, car shipment, cancel contracts, anything. We know they will not come until after Aug 12 at the earliest. However, we have to give 30 day notice to our landlord, so we're trying to figure out what to tell her and give her notice today.

The house we first put a contract in on came back with a bad inspection and we walked away. It was for the good. Now we have put a contract in on another house. A 1950's house that has been completely flipped- brand new kitchen, beautifully restained hardwood floors, plenty of room, nice backyard, and room to do some renovations for our own enjoyment, We are suppose to close at the end of the month, so we're praying that our orders do arrive before then. If you're the praying type, that's what our specific prayer request is at the moment.

Other than that, we're keeping busy plucking away at trying to get our house ready for movers. I've realized I definitely prefer DITY (Do it yourself) moves.I can pack all my books and pictures and make headway. With a moving company, I can't pack anything or else they are not responsible for it. So instead, I'm just making huge piles in my living room of stuff that is ready to be packed. This will actually be our first ever more where they come in and pack up all of our stuff. When we moved to Germany, we had everything in storage for a year. And amazingly, the only things that were broken upon arrival were the microwave glass and a bookshelf, so we packed well ;-) Here's hoping these movers do as well! I definitely prefer moving ourselves, and doubt we'll do another military move again unless we end up overseas again.

This week has been Totus Tuus, which is basically like VBS or Church camp if you aren't familiar with it. We've been hosting one of the team members and really enjoyed getting to know him. It's consisted of lots of driving getting him and the kids back and forth, but the kids are having an absolute blast and are so sad to know today is the last day.

I'm some how sort of keeping my head on straight, but I definitely don't do well with this kind of stress and anxiety. I'm totally accepting prayers said on our behalf that we get orders by the 15th, and that we can just stay on top of everything we need to- is there a Saint for that?? Maybe Mary or St. Anne huh? Here's to a military move!

Idaho

Well, the last post I did was a huge complaint about Idaho. We prayed we would be denied because of medical, but unfortunately, that did not happen. So we have come to terms with it. I'm slowly finding some excitement, but whenever anyone asks where we're going, I cannot happily say Idaho, and my disappointment shows through. And it doesn't happen that people are like "Oh..." and you read their face, as their brain tries to find a map and figure out/remember where Idaho is from 5th gr geography. "There's a base in Idaho??" they all ask.

We have settled on buying a home, so we are going through the process of looking at homes with a realtor via skype. FYI-This is a bad idea if you get motion sickness from video games, because it's pretty much the same. With that said, the options are very limiting. We found 15 houses that meet are minimum criteria. 9 of which are modern cookie cutter homes that look completely alike, and we can guess what they look like before we even click on them. That's not us. Of the other 6, one is pending and one never got back to our realtor, so we looked at the other 4. Two were absolutely not. One had a detached garage, with laundry out there and the 4th bedroom out there. The other had 2 kitchens, and the main one was small, the other we'd probably want to tear out, but it just wasn't us.

Of the other two, we can't decide. One was built in 1930's and has beautiful curb appeal and lots of cute character, 2 car garage, plus a shop. It's got 2 attic bedrooms, plus a basement. However it's on the major road in the city and only had one toilet. (As major as you can get in a town of 14,000) The other has awful curb appeal and no garage, but the inside is pretty good. There's a foyer, living room and den, but the kitchen is very small. Neither are perfect, and need some work, which we're truthfully looking forward to. We're trying to be humble in our decisions, and realize what do we truly really NEED and what has good resell ability, but when you're buying, that's sort of hard.  We're praying for discernment, so please join us in prayer.

This is the one with beautiful curb appeal.

The thought and prospect of buying has us excited and is keeping us busy. Also, we realized movers could come in about 45 days, so we've been super busy cleaning out, selling stuff, getting rid of stuff, etc. I think just the keeping moving and rolling along has helped keep us away from the negative thoughts about ID. It's when I have time to sit and think about the negative that I get depressed about it. I won't say we're going to love it (As sooooo many people seem to think I will), but we'll make the best of it and love being together as a family.

Denial and little acceptance

Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, that's for sure. This whole week has been a week of denial for me, and a week of trying to find acceptance, trying to find the belief that Jesus, I trust in you. And trying to put aside my selfishness.

On Monday, while sitting in the Atlanta airport, I called my husband for the first time in a week. I had been in Washington DC attending a Catholic military conference for women. We chatted, I made sure he remembered the housekeeper was coming in the morning, and I said "Oh, by the way, I can't wait to tell you my exciting news. During the discernment process at conference, I was discerned back in to the finance manager position and accepted. I'm really excited about how God will use me in this organization." Instead of electing or voting people in to leadership rolls, we go through a process where we meet together and let the Holy Spirit guide us to who He wants where and where they can best be served. It's a beautiful way of finding leadership, and very humbling and honoring.

So how does my husband respond? "Oh! That's great. Congrats. Well then, I have something to tell you too. We got our notice of assignment. We're going to Idaho." .... dead silence. I was speechless as I felt tears well up in my eyes. I had known that we had 1 spot in NJ and 3 spots in Idaho available, and I had prayed and prayed for NJ and asked everyone else to do the same. I really and truly thought we'd get NJ. NOT Idaho.

The town in Idaho is a super small town. Population 14,000. Now, I'll be honest, I grew up in a town of 13,000. But, everything I possibly needed was within 30 minutes still. Except my church. That was an hour away, and I hated that drive. I was never really a fan of the small town feel. When I moved to the city for college, and even further when I lived in Chicago for 3 months, I was so happy! I loved it! I clearly wasn't a small town girl. When we were first married, we lived in a town with population 40,000 and I really struggled there. In other words, population 14,000 sounds horrible. The town has an albertsons and Walmart. ::chirp chirp:: yeah. That's it. Everything else is an hour away to the big city. AN HOUR AWAY.... I know people from the west think that's nothing, but for ME, that's forever.

I had these big, grand dreams that we'd move back to the states and have easy access to Target and Cosco, that I'd finally get a Kohls card, and that we'd eat Chic Fila every other week and be a part of a Catholic co-op for homeschooling. I would be able to live a more civilian lifestyle where everything we did was not 100% with other military people, as it has been living here. And now, those dreams are shattered. In the words of my husband "I think this is going to be a humbling assignment."

Church...Aside from the base chapel, which I can find zero information about, other than someone telling me they had about 12 people including babies, there is one church in town. It's small. Someone told me "it's mostly older people, but they're really great if you let them get to know you." Uhh... Church has always been my source for friendships. I grew up in a church that sat 10,000 people. (Yes, it was a mega church!)... But that means almost the entire population of the city we're moving to could fit in my hometown church! I am not a small town girl. I don't do things small. I'm a go-big or go-home type girl. And I'm going to have to attend a small church. This breaks my heart and I'm really struggling with it.

There was a notice that if you're interested in connecting with other Catholic homeschoolers, contact the email. I did. There is no Catholic homeschool group. She and another lady tried to start something up, but nothing came of it, and that lady's son has graduated. She is however part of a Christian group. Which is fine, It just makes me nervous after meeting so many Christians that try to get Catholics 'saved'. I'll probably get involved there, but I'll miss celebrating the Feast Days with my Catholic friends and the times we enjoy after every Friday Mass together. And having so many Catholic girlfriends to talk about the struggles of NFP, kids pulling your veil off, other with lots of kids, which Mass are you attending on the Holy Day, etc. There's also no Catholic Women of the Chapel or Military Council of Catholic Women.  And no, I'm not in a place to start one up.

Then housing... We are given a VERY small basic housing allowance while stationed there. So small, that Militarybyowner.com had none in our price range. A few other websites have one or two that are apartments, or else 2 bedrooms, or around 1200 sq ft. Since we homeschool, 1200 sq ft would be VERY difficult. We felt cramped in our on-base apartment, which was bigger than 1200 sq ft. So then we're left considering buying, which is difficult in the time of year we're moving and nerve-wracking knowing we might be leaving in 3 years. Or we're left with choosing base housing. Please Lord, don't send us there! Been there, done that, NOT something we want to do again.

Then medical. With my high-risk pregnancies, I'd have to drive an hour to the city for OB care if we get pregnant again. Plus I'll have to drive that far for my diabetes care. Have I ever mentioned I hate driving? And I just don't feel comfortable having to drive that far alone while very pregnant.

Deployments. My husband will be gone for 6 months, get home, then a year later deploy for another 6 months, home for a year, then another 6 months the entire time we're there. He's done 6 deployments in his 14 year career already. He'll be up to 8 at least by the time we leave.

I've tried to find the positive. I've asked what people love about it. There's never traffic. Ok, that barely bothers me, and CO barely ever had traffic. So, not enough for me. It's quiet. Well, unless you live on base, then you hear the planes. Yeah, no to both of those. On base, you know all your neighbors. Yeah, thanks but no thanks. I like knowing one or two, but I don't want to know everyone. The military is so small and gossipy. I really don't want to do that any more. I like having a full 6 degrees of separation, not just 3. It's beautiful and there's so many nature things to visit 'close by'. I couldn't care less about nature and science. Like, I abhor science. In other words, I seriously can't find anything positive. I was finally looking forward to leaving Germany, and now I'll be leaving kicking and screaming and crying.

So all of this said, I'm really struggling. Yesterday I was at a point where I thought Mary rode on a donkey pregnant to a town she did not want to go to... Then they had to flee to Egypt and I'm sure they didn't want to go to Egypt. And Jesus had to go in to Jerusalem and I'm sure He didn't want to go, knowing what was waiting for him. So I can do this. Then today, while sitting at our rather large parish, I thought about the small church and just lost it.

There's still a very small chance that it could change due to my diabetes, but it's pretty doubtful. The hour drive seems to be no big deal to most people. So we wait, and try to rush the medical stuff as fast as possible and see what they say.

The whole point of this post is really just a way for me to vent and get it all out at once. Please don't try to offer words of encouragement about how you're sure i'll come to love it, you've heard people love it, it's really not that bad driving an hour, or that sort of thing, because there aren't many things that can change my feelings and attitude. I wish I could just 'let it go' and leave it to God. But I'm really struggling with that right now. The unknown causes me so much anxiety, and this seems to be the worst ever for me. I think I was less nervous about Germany than I am about middle-of-no-where Idaho. Prayers are welcome though as I try to deal with my fears and knowing it's the complete opposite of everything I imagined.

The Sad Time of Year

The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? Being in the military has it's ups and downs. We're in our 30s and have never bought a house. But we're traveling Europe! Goods and bads. Right now, it's one of the downs. One of the worst things to happen when in the military is deployment. We all hate it, but all know it has to happen.

The second worst thing in the military? PCS season-summer. PCS means Permanent Change of Station. In other words, people are moving, as often happens in the military. This is very good at times, and very hard as well. People come and people go. Where we are, because it's such a transient community, all our friends are military. When I lived in CO, most of my friends were non-military and are still living in CO. It's very different here. Every summer since getting here, we have had friends move. Last summer, I had my first close friend move back to the states. That was hard, but I still had my other close friends.

This week, one of my two closest friends, my wonderful neighbor, got her house packed up. Movers were in and out of her house all day, and we just sat next door watching. I walked in to her house last night and the empty rooms and cheap military furniture on loan, made it all sink in. She's about to leave. In a few weeks, they will be moving on to a new place, a new house, new school, new friends, new everything. This time is so exciting for them. They are sad of course, but excited about what the future holds.

In a very few short months, our absolutely dearest friends will be leaving. We are so close to this family. My husband is good friends with their husband. The wife and I are best friends. We've even had people confuse us many times or call us twins because we look very similar. And our kids, our kids all love each other. They are definitely our "Germany family". We've watched their kids many times, and they've watched ours more times than we can count. Almost weekly dinners together is common. Park dates or afternoon playdates are usually a weekly thing as well. We both homeschool and have very similar parenting styles. They are the one family where I feel absolutely 100% comfortable. I don't have to guard myself, guard my children. My kids can be kids, and I can be me. I can say what I think without worrying about hurting or offending them or getting in a disagreement and vice versa. I never walk away replaying a conversation and wondering if I said it wrong. They get us and we get them. And yet, like my neighbor, they are about to get their house packed up and move on to bigger and new and exciting things.

I am so happy and excited for both of these families. But, at the same time, I'm so incredibly sad. It's been said before, and now I get it. PCS is harder on those left behind than those who leave. And I'm really feeling it. I know that I need to keep a box of tissues on hand for the next several months, as I'll probably tear up at very unexpected times.

We went to my husband's work picnic today, and before, we use to know so many people and really enjoy it. This time, I didn't know a soul, until the end when the husband mentioned above came out and we talked for a few. My husband said he barely knew anyone there anymore either, as he'd been gone for a long time deployed, and major turnover had happened. It felt very weird. And for a moment, I wondered if this is what the next year would look like. Even at church, I'm looking around and realizing I'm knowing less and less people. I'm not sure if this is because I haven't made many new friends in the last year (I was really in survival mode, not make friends mode this year with my husband gone), or it's just a sign of the major turnover. Which brings a whole new struggle. Do we as a family "date" new families, to grow close to them for one year? Or maybe longer, since we're not sure how much longer we're here? Or do we just stay content where we're at?

I thought that maybe I'd find some spiritual wisdom while typing this, but none came. While I'm sad and I tear up almost every time I think about it, I know this. No matter what the future holds for my dear friends leaving, or what the future holds for us, I am so thankful for these ladies (and their dear families) being in my life and that I am a better person (and decorator lol!) thanks to them. They have fed me, served me, listened to me, hugged me, watched kids for me, prayed for me, encouraged me, walked with me, and most of all, loved me and my family. For this, I'm eternally grateful to call them my dear friends and sad to see them move on.

Knights of Columbus

When my husband was in high school, he attended a Catholic boys school. While there, he joined the Knights of Columbus, a Catholic men's organization. He became a 1st Degree Knight, but never went further with it.

When we got married and moved to Colorado, I heard the Knights of Columbus mentioned several times. I kept trying to convince him to get involved, but he would have been the youngest by far and was not interested at all. I just kept praying that eventually he would, as I knew he would make some Godly friends and grow in his faith if involved. 

Forward 5 years when we got stationed here in Germany. I made several female friends, and they asked me if my husband was a Knight, as their husbands all were or were in the process of becoming one. I began praying again and trying to convince him. After meeting some of the men, he decided to get re-involved and became a 2nd and 3rd Degree Knight. 

Twice a month, he would go to their meetings and socials. I all of a sudden began to see a new man form in my husband, one that was truly seeking God, wanting to know how to become a more Godly man, husband, and father. I knew that having this time with other Godly men was having a serious impact on him. Usually at the meetings, one of our local priests was also there, and he began to get to know them better. 

During this time, I was also getting to know more Catholic women better, and my Catholic faith was really growing. Slowly, I noticed my husband suggesting we go to Confession more, and for Lent, as a family, we made the commitment to start attending daily mass once a week. This has even continued for the most part since Lent. 

In May, the KOC decided they wanted to have a 4th Degree Exemplification. This had not been not in Europe yet, and would be a big undertaking. This past Saturday, October 13, was the first 4th Degree Exemplification. When they began to plan this, they expected to have about 40-60 men participate. Instead, this past Saturday, they had one hundred and twenty-one men make their 4th Degree Exemplification!!! Here is a picture of all of the men. (This picture was taken by the KOC, but I cropped it)

It was an amazing day. The men had the Exemplification in the afternoon, then we met them for a special mass with Bishop Spencer, Episcopal Vicar for Europe and Asia. He was an incredible speaker. (And on a side, he is one of the guest speakers at a Catholic women's conference I'm about to go to, and it makes me super excited to get to hear him!) Following this was a formal dinner at the Officer's Club. The food was great, the company fabulous, the speakers entertaining and enlightening.

Through one of the speakers, we learned this was the 3rd overseas military 3rd Degree Knights of Columbus order (in fact, we have a local German priest that sometimes says mass on base, and he became a 4th degree as well!) It is the 3rd in 6 months, but by far the largest! Men came from all over this country, and even from England and Naples! There were also 5 sets of fathers and sons doing it together, one of which we knew.

It was so exciting to see 121 men stand up, all dressed in their uniforms or tuxes, in the front rows of the church, and know that these are our leaders, the men in our homes setting Godly Christian examples, for their community, wives, and most importantly, their children. I am so proud of my husband, and the other men in our lives living here, and so thankful for each and everyone of them, and what they mean to our family.

Please pray for these men, as they continue to be leaders, following Christ and setting an example to others. Also, please pray for their wives, as we are all about to leave for a European-wide Military Council of Catholic Women conference. We know God has a lot planned for each of us, but prayers are welcome.

Little bits of information

If you don't have time to read the whole post, I quickly ask for prayers for our VBS that starts tomorrow. We went for setup today, and it appears Satan is trying to make his way in. Please pray for all the volunteers, to be able to handle what comes our way, and for all the kids, that their hears will be open to hear what God needs and wants them to hear. I am leading 1st grade with several other volunteers, which is a relatively easy task, helping to take the first graders to all their classes.

Lots of little bits of other info to post about today. I made homemade strawberry jam for the first time yesterday. OH.MY.WORD. DELICIOUS!!!! Why haven't I ever done this before? I just may start to can things!! I love the idea of knowing what's in it. I just wish that I could grow the stuff I want to can.

In other news, we're not moving in to the previously mentioned house. Things just weren't working out like we'd hoped, and we have decided to at least wait until the new year and reevaluate it then. This will put us in a much better spot financially. (We're THISCLOSE to having our car paid off, leaving just my student loan, which should take less than a year, meaning thisclose to being debt free ;-))

Aside from that, Jon is really working to apply for Officer Training School. This is something we have gone back and forth on throughout our marriage, but until now, the stars haven't aligned completely correctly. However, before he can apply, he has to lose some major weight. He has already lost almost 10 lbs, so he's on the right road.

I'm also trying to lose weight. I REALLY struggle with emotional eating, and between hating it when we first moved here, feeling the winter blues, and the miscarriage, I've gained 15 lbs since moving here. However, unlike Jon, I've dropped 0 lbs so far. Why is it men can drop weight so quickly?? We have started to play tennis every so often though together, which is really fun and gets us working out, together, in a fun way.

We're also working on potty-training Miss Abigayle. She's doing great at holding it, but I can tell she doesn't know how to release it. It became incredibly evident when she just wouldn't go, wouldn't go, wouldn't go. Then she threw a tantrum over something between her and daddy, that she forgot to hold it and wet herself while screaming. We'll take a break during VBS this week and try again next week.

Jon's been very busy with intramural softball. The season is now over, and I'm honestly very glad! He was gone 2-3 nights a week with it, and it will be nice to have my husband home in the evenings again. He also changed jobs some what. He's in the same office, doing the same thing for the most part, but just his position changed. It's complicated to explain, and I probably shouldn't online ;-) But in short, we think it's a good change and will be great for his career.

We're also making major plans for traveling. H and I are going to Europa Park soon. It's to meet some of my friends and Jon wasn't that interested in going, so I said I'd go alone, and decided to take her with me to spend some time together. Then we'll be going to Austria for about a week, where Jon's brother, Father Nathan will be. We're excited to see him again, and see some places in Salzburg and Vienna. In October, my parents are coming. I'm very excited to see them, and we're making plans for Paris, including the Eiffel Tower and Disneyland. It's nice to finally be making some travel plans, now that Jon can get off work a bit.

Wednesday will be two months since the miscarriage. It's hard to believe it's already been two months. I've been dealing with some anger issues regarding it, but I think the Lord has been helping me through this. I haven't turned to Him as much as I should, but I can tell He's still been there and is still helping me. I'm sure the prayers of others have played a huge part as well.

Some have asked if we'll try again soon. We're leaving that up to God, knowing He is in control of my heart, but hoping to avoid a pregnancy for now. I need some time still, but not sure how much time I will need all together. Thankfully we are able to pray about it every month, and see where we are and reevaluate our desires and go from there. Life has gotten so busy, and the baby fever I had like crazy is not there right now. I enjoy holding my friends' babies and putting them to sleep in my arms, but it's not like i have the "Oh, I want one!" feeling like I did 4 months ago. Amazing how our hearts can change, and it's completely okay.  I get times where I think "Oh, I want another one." but as I think more, I know that right now is not the right time. Besides, I'd really like to drop the weight I've put on since getting here before getting pregnant again. I've struggled losing weight a lot, so we'll see how that goes....

As everyone knows, the Olympics are on. Unfortunately, we get US channels (normally whatever you're watching on Monday night, we get to watch on Tuesday night, after it's aired.) I think we're getting it the same time the US is, but that means that what you get in the evening, we get while we're asleep. So I'm missing all the great ones, like swimming and gymnastics! And my mom suggested NBC.com, but unfortunately, since we have a German IP address, we're considered international and cannot watch the shows on NBC's website. So, it seems I'm missing a lot of the Olympics this year :( I'm bummed as I really like the summer Olympics. I think Jon's happy though, as he couldn't care less. We grew up watching them and he did not. I want H to see the gymnastics though. I watched them at 9pm and thought "I can see H watching this, then mimicking it and dancing around like them" heehee.

With all of this going on, I need to head to bed. I must actually get up at 7am and get the kids up then as well, so we can leave by 8am all week. We're not use to that in the least (the earliest we ever have to be anywhere is 9:30 ;-)) Again, please keep VBS in your prayers if you will. Thank you, good night, and God bless!

Today, I miss America

Today... I miss America. I miss drive thru ATMs. We have ONE drive thru ATM here, and I have YET to go to it and have it work. I went to that one today, didn't work. I went to two walk up ATMs, one didn't work, and one was out of USD (but had Euros... not what I needed!) I finally gave up and went to the dreaded Base exchange and bought some gift ribbon, the only thing I could think of needing, to get cash back. I hate that any time I need money, I need to drag all three children out of the car to go inside when it's 35 degrees Fahrenheit out!

I miss America, because some places understand that when we go to fill out forms, our "state" is Armed Forces Europe. Other places don't. So, in order to attend a luncheon in Rome, I had to be able to pay in Italian or German, or call an Italian phone number (international fees) and talk to someone who may or may not speak English... or do a wire transfer for $35. I ended up calling my mom and saying "Can I transfer you money and you sign us up with your bank account?" Because THAT was the 'easiest' option. That's after I had to send her shopping for my 15mo who needs 24mo clothes and has none because her sister was in 24 mo in the summer, and it costs SO MUCH to go shopping here and it's not like you can just run to walmart or target and see what's on clearance.

I miss knowing where I'm going, and understanding where I'm going and the road signs. Today, my GPS took me on a 23 min drive, that I figured out I could get home much fast, and made it home in less than 15 minutes on the way back, all because I had no clue where this specific village was.

I simply miss American things. Maybe we're spoiled. Maybe I hate change. Maybe I hate the unknown, but dang, today, i'm emotional and miss America.

Castles, Gardens, and Household Goods

So much has been going on and I haven't had time to update, ahh! So, this will be a semi-brief post, with lots of information.

First, we got our household goods about two weeks ago. We now have everything of ours. We were blessed in that the only 'severe' damage was the glass on our microwave was shattered and a $20 bookcase was really busted. No biggies! YAY!

The basement was finally taken care of, no more graffiti and mold! Thank GOD! They also fixed the stairs out front and other things. We feel like it's much more liveable now.

Sunday before last, we decided to take our kids to a local castle. It wasn't super fancy, mostly ruins, but we had a wonderful time and really enjoyed ourselves. Here are a few of the pictures we took.

On Saturday, the base did Trick or Treating. It was incredibly packed, but the kids had a blast. This was the best picture we were able to get. We had a dog, a bumble bee, and a butterfly. Afterwards, we put the kids to bed and my good friend and neighbor, Gigi, and another of her friends, all went to the Haunted Tent City on base. The line was incredibly long, but it was a fun experience. I think had I not been leading the way for the truly scared behind me, it would have been more scary ;-)

Then this past Sunday, we took them to the Dinosaur Garden with one of our friends and her two sons. It's an awesome Garden that was decorated in a Storybook theme. We really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, we weren't able to see the whole thing because my husband got called in to work. We're excited to go back next summer when it opens back up and see the whole place. Here's a few pictures of that as well.

Hansel and Gretel

Then on Monday night, we went to the All Saints Vigil Mass.

The kids were able to dress up as a Saint. Here, we have St. Lucia, St. Lydia, and St. Bernard. ;-) That was Jon's idea. I thought it was funny and cleaver. Father C was laughing when we said he was St. Bernard.

We are slowly getting settled in to our place now. The craft room needs a lot of help, I have a lot of things to list on our local craigslist, and we need to hang pictures. Otherwise, that's about it. The apartment is never really clean for more than an hour, but that's what happens with three little ones. I have huge hopes to start working on doing some preschool homeschooling in the coming weeks, now that we're almost settled. I'm also trying to get all our Christmas shopping done now, so that we can spend the Christmas season going to local Christmas markets and because we leave for 10 days prior to Christmas to go to Rome for my brother-in-laws ordination.

And now, I must get busy folding the seven loads of laundry that are waiting for me. :)

The Ugly Truth

So, if this is about our adventures, I must be honest and open about our adventures. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, today is pretty nasty and gloomy, including a constant mist of rain, that the kids and I walked through because we HAD to go to the grocery store, and we have no vehicle, still.

So, we moved in to our apartment on Wednesday last week. In all honesty, for the most part, when you walk through our door, I love our place. It's the perfect size so it's not too much to keep up with. It's big enough for our stuff, but not too cramped. I don't care for our outdated stove/oven, or the radiator heaters, but I'm sure I'll get use to those. There are things that are different, like they don't have door knobs (there you go Deacon Nathan ;-)). Instead, they have door handles, like this. Everywhere has them, which is quite different than the states. And, none of the bedroom doors have locks. I'm not sure yet if that's good or bad. And there is tons of storage through closets, which I think i'm going to love.

After we moved in, we learned that we have a storage room in the basement. YAY! This put all of my worries to rest, because I wondered where we'd store our Christmas decorations, winter clothes, etc. There is also a community room in the basement, where we can have parties, garage sales, etc. However, this is where our woes come in. We learned that this building was scheduled for demolition and to build townhomes here. But, because of budget cuts, they renovated them and reopened them. No one has lived here since 2005 it seems. But, they didn't FINISH renovating before moving us in.

The community room is disgusting. It has a small 'storage' room off the side that is COVERED in mold. Right below our master bathroom. The bathrooms down there are down right gross. So much so that'd I'd go to the bathroom outside before using it. And there is graffiti all over the doors. In fact, I think I may just share a few pictures we took as proof.

The mold room

The floor in the mold room

One of the rooms downstairs that includes heating, storage, bike room, etc.

Everyone in our unit has raised complaints to housing, and gone to commanders. We are now being told that it will be cleaned up and taken care of by the end of the month. Prayers are appreciated that it is and we can begin to relax and enjoy our new place without feeling so disgusting.

Aside from that, we have found out our van will be here tomorrow. YAY! I could not be any happier. I am not one who likes to stay at home, and have felt so trapped without a vehicle! We also found out that our household goods are here. We don't know how long they have been here, because the movers in CO messed up and mixed up my husband's first and last name, so the people here were incredibly confused for some reason. So, that is all being delivered on Tuesday.

In other news, we have a home phone for the first time in our married lives. Which would be great, if it worked. It stopped working last night, and people say that the internet/phone company on base is horrible and this happens all the time. They also said they often send you your bill late, then try to charge you a late fee. HAHA! I dare them! I will be in their office so fast. ::Ahh....:: These are the type of things I'm NOT looking forward to. At least we'll be able to site-see a lot and explore very soon.

Differences, differences

When you picture "Germany" you probably picture beer and brats, castles, and leiderhosen (Ha, I don't even know how to spell that!) But Germany is so much more! Yesterday I attended a Spouses Orientation (to Germany) classes, and learned so much valuable information! Some I thought I'd share, because it gives more ideas of what it's like over here.

Germans are HUGE on recycling. It's very precise. There's a bin for plastic/cardboard (uncontaminated so no pizza boxes), and one for bio waste, like yard clippings, coffee grounds, peels, egg shells, etc. Then there's a yellow bin for "light fraction"- plastic and medal. There is not a bin for glass, but usually each village has a neighborhood area for glass, divided in to green, brown and clear. Also, you can't have a trashcan with a bag sticking out of the top. Usually they will not pick it up for you, and if you have extra bags at the bottom, they definitely won't. However, you can purchase red bags for when you have parties, like Christmas or Thanksgiving, and therefore have extra trash. Those they will take. It's very complex, but probably very good.

Germany is comparable to the size of Montana. However, Germany has 81.8 million people in that small area! So, that is why everything is small, like close together parking spaces, small cars, tall and narrow homes, etc.

There are 11 German holidays, which my husband should get off in addition to all of the American holidays. The first of these is next week, Oct. 3, which is German Reunification Day, which celebrates the reunification of East and West Germany.

In Germany, there is no air conditioning. It's not needed. However, what is needed is "venting" your house every day. Your windows can open two different ways. One is tilted backwards, so there is about a 4 inch gap at the top, and the bottom is still connected. The other way is for the window to open up all the way. To do that, it opens in to your house, instead of out or up. Every day, you should open all the windows for about 5-10 minutes, as this helps to keep out mold. Also, the windows are very thick and well insulated.

Germans never introduce themselves with their first name. In fact, they answer their phone just by saying their last name, without saying hello. In America, you will meet Sally on Tuesday, then walking with your husband on Thursday run in to her again, and say to your husband "Oh, have you met my friend Sally?" In Germany, that is not acceptable. She is not your friend, she is your acquaintance. And she is still Frau Smith. In fact, you can run in to each other several times, and start to get to know each other, and still, Frau Smith. Eventually, you may invite her over for coffee. At that point, whomever is the oldest will say "Oh, by the way, my name is Sally." At that point, you may use first names, and are considered friends. In other words, they value the word "friend" very much, and are much more formal than we are.

Speaking of going over for coffee.... when going to a German's house, it is very important to be on time. Even 5 minutes late is considered rude. And a gift for the hostess is appropriate. However, red roses (sign of romance) and white lillies (used at funerals) are not appropriate. Unlike in America, where you may be concerned about bringing wine because they have religious convictions about it, you won't find that in Germany. Even if you bring alcohol to a dry home, the person won't be offended in the least. Also, Germans are very straight-forward and honest. We were told the sooner we get use to it, the better. They don't beat around the bush. And they don't mean it rudely. It's just like "You suck because your dog pooped in my yard. Clean it up." If you say "Oh, I'm so sorry. You're right. I'll clean it up right now," they will be completely fine with you and there won't be any weird feelings.

When going out to eat, apparently one should dress more formal, nice pants and shoes, not shorts and flip flops. Also, tip is included in your bill. However, it is nice to include a little bit more, like 1 or 2 Euro is all. It's also nice to tip your hair dresser, mechanic, and even movers. Again, about 2-5 Euro if they did a great job.

Anyway, that's just a tidbit of what I learned yesterday. Hopefully in the coming days I can share more of the very interesting information!

One Week in Germany

We have now been a week in Germany and wow, there's so much to share. I have been so incredibly busy so there's been no time to blog. However, I'm making the time to do a quick post since so many have asked how it is going.

We arrived last Tuesday after a 6 hour flight. It actually was not a bad flight. We gave the kids some meds and they slept almost the whole way. Abby struggled and cried a bit but finally gave in. When we landed, the kids and I rushed to the bathroom. In Germany, the toilets sit higher off the ground, which makes it hard for little kids. Also, there's not a handle to flush, but a button in the wall you push. The toilet is connect directly to the wall, no tank or anything like that shows. Kind of cool.

We got assigned our hotel room in temporary lodging and our friends and Jon's sponsor loaded all of us and our 15+ bags into their 3 cars and took us to the hotel room. The room is really nice. A full kitchen with dishes, some pots and pans, full fridge, washer and dryer, two rooms, one of which has 2 twin beds. It's really nice. Upon arriving, we learned there is no a/c here. We haven't really needed it thankfully. It's been a crazy roller coaster of weather, one day in the 70's, one in the 50's.

There are a lot of things different here. For example, the tub is higher, so the kids need help getting in. The shower hose is in the middle of the shower instead of on one end. The washing machine is SUPER small, so I'm literally constantly doing laundry. There are quiet times here, like on Sunday afternoons. Also, you can't do lawn work or wash your car on Sundays.

On Friday evening, our friends who have been stationed here for 2 years took us to a local German restaurant and festival. We all tried various forms of schnitzel and it was delicious. Then we walked around the festival, the girls got some wine with fruit in it, the kids all rode some fair type rides, the kids got ice cream and adults shares some nutella crapes. In the distance above the town with the festival, you could see a castle. We were/are so thankful for our friends who were willing to drive there and back twice to give us a ride.

On Saturday, the large park on base had a family day with bouncy houses, games, etc. We met our friends there and had a good time, playing on the playground afterwards.

On Sunday, we were going to go to mass on base, but there are only 2 masses, 9am and 5pm. We woke up at 7:30am and could not fathom waking the kids up when they were still trying to adjust to the time changes. Plus Jon and I were feeling a little sick, so we didn't go. I had already made plans to go with our friend in the evening to a free concert. The USO (Thank you USO!!!) put on a FREE Trace Adkins concert for Sept. 11. We went, standing for several hours, and had a blast. I also decided to have a beer and actually liked it, for a beer! It was an Eichbaum. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy some beers while here, since that's the drink of choice in Germany. ;-)

We have been blessed in that our hotel is equal distance to everything really. We have walked and walked and walked. We've walked to the commissary, the post office, playgrounds, appointments, the library, Jon's office, and so much more. Thankfully we ended up checking our small stroller on the plane, so that's been helpful. However, the older two kids were having a really hard time keeping up and walking so much, so we bought a red wagon for them the other day. It has made walks soooo much easier.

We are apparently number 1 or 2 to get a house, so we have to keep checking back to see if one is available yet. In the mean time, I dont mind being in the hotel because we have all we need here, where we wont with a house until our stuff arrives.

That is about every going on right now. We are loving it, enjoying being together just the 5 of us in our own little space. Jon is loving getting to cook again. Thank you for thinking of us and asking about us. Auf Wiedersehen

Jon's cooking again-homemade bread, yum!

We took the kids to see their first movie in a theater on our second day here- Cars 2.

This is how we roll now :) They LOVE it.

Things are coming together, Finally

Everything has finally come together. Last Thursday, we finally got our medical clearance. This was the piece of the military puzzle we were most worried about, since our youngest is behind on vaccines due to our family's own deciding. However, after many questions, needing signatures, power of attorney, and even asking me questions about my diabetes that were on the forms, a month later, we finally got our clearance. It was suppose to take 14 days, so that was beyond frustrating.

Amazingly, my husband had talked to a lot of people, so our orders were able to be turned to us within 24 hours and last Friday, we found out we are definitely moving to Germany in September! Because we finally got orders, my husband was able to get orders to come home, so I am a very happy air force wife lately. For obvious reasons, I can't say when he'll be home, but it will be soon enough. Therefore, I have been very busy getting final arrangements made, packing, shopping, cleaning, etc. We will spend close to a month traveling over 3,000 miles to see family, ship our belongings, and more before heading to Germany, so there is a lot to be done.

While this past year, specifically the past month, has been a struggle, I see how God has worked. While it took a long time for our orders and that was stressful, it helped to alleviate the anxiety of knowing specifically when my husband would be home. Thankfully, as I said before, I had prepared for the rain, so that helped when we knew the date, as I had a good deal already done. And then, once I knew the date, I still had a good deal to accomplish, so that has kept my mind busy. In fact, I was in the middle of doing more preparation but needed a mental break, which is why I'm posting. Since this is the general update, I must head back to what I was working on. But thank you for all the prayers thus far.

Planting the fields

I posted a while back about the men who were praying for rain, one did nothing as he waited, the other planted the crops in the fields. This story has continued to resignate in my mind over and over again as we anxiously sit and wait to find out what the status is for our medical clearance.

As most military wives can probably attest, you save things to do for the last minute, as the last minute is when your mind needs distraction. So I figured he'll be home in less than a month (ha, most likely) and began to pack up our unaccompanied stuff two days ago. Somehow, everything but clothes and a few toys are now packed. Oops! But at least I am preparing the fields for the rain. I don't know when the rain is coming, but if a miracle happens and he comes home this week, I'm ready. I've gone ahead and booked some hotel reservations and our car rental reservation, based on the date we were told he's coming home, and based on miracles taking place. I've booked all refundable rooms/car. If he is delayed further, I'll cancel and rebook.

But now, I wonder, what am I suppose to do now? I pulled out my sewing machine and I'm going to work on a few projects that shouldn't take too long. I had put all the kids' clothes in bins, and may go ahead and start sorting through them. Hopefully by the time those are done, we'll have orders and can get our new address, then i get to begin the dreaded task of calling companies to tell them our new mailing address. That should take a nice while.

All this to say, prayers are still appreciated. I can do all I can to prepare the fields, make ready, but until God decides to send the rain, I'm stuck. And even more so, my husband is stuck. Thanks for the prayers!

Not what I expected

It's been a month since i posted this post. I have to admit, I did not receive the reply I thought I would. The only reason I'm bringing it up is because the end of that post said "I'm interested to see the results in a month or so." The result? God is still telling me to wait. Doesn't He understand I dont do that well? I know in the Army, this is typical. But my husband is Air Force. The last time he deployed, we knew by this time when he'd be home. I find this frustrating.

But, it's not as frustrating as the fact that we've somehow gotten scammed. We've had something in a pretty small amount show up on our bank statement the past TWO YEARS. I thought it was his video game, he thought it was something I pay for online. Today we discovered, it was neither. Rather, when googled, it's something hundreds of people have complained about in a similar fashion. So for the past TWO YEARS, we've been throwing away almost a total of $300. And of course, the bank will only reimburse us for the past 60 days. I am trying not to think about it too much, but it makes me sick, sick, sick to my stomach. Tonight involved a phone call to our bank and a canceled card. Tomorrow will include lots of phone calls to companies that have that card on file. And this, like the the first thing, was not what I expected today.

Medical stuff done!

I feel like I reached a huge milestone in preparing for our move. After a doc appt for all of us, an extra one for me, 2 dentist appointments each for my older two and myself, a form for oldest kid through school, tons of medical records, and some additional phone calls, forms, letters, and faxes, I have mailed all of our documents off to the closest AF base (3 hours away!) I have an appointment set for 2 weeks away. THEN we can get our official orders. THEN we can do everything else. But for a few short days, I sighed some relief and over the Memorial Day weekend, thought very little about our upcoming move.

Instead, we enjoyed our annual family reunion at the beach. We had a lot of fun and I was amazed how much all three of my kids, even the 9 month old, loved the beach.

Last week was sad and emotional for me. My older two had been attending a preschool two mornings a week at a local church. They were too young for Pre-K, but they had a 1 and 2yo class. I put both of them in the same class. My thought was they needed an opportunity to have friends, since I wasnt involved in a MOPS or anything like that. Also, I needed a small break to run errands, etc with only 1 child around while my husband was gone. I LOVED their preschool and so did they. Unfortunately, last week was the end. Now begins the real challenge of getting ready for a move and running all errands with three little ones under foot. This too, I can do. It's just a slight challenge. ;-)

My husband and I spent the day emailing back and forth. There's SOOO much to do to move overseas. It's overwhelming when you are stationed at an AF base, have a squadron and a husband around, but if you take all of that away, well, overwhelming becomes an understatement. There's so much information out there, and sometimes you get the wrong info. For example, I thought we had 2,000 lbs of unaccompanied baggage we could send (Stuff that we'll be shipping from here) No, today I found out it was 1,375. No idea where the 2000 lbs came from, so now I must figure out what I'm going to ship, and what we're going to carry in the van and/or ship to Colorado. We also found out a few things we thought we could do now, indeed, cannot be done until we have official orders. So now, we just sit and wait for my medical appointment in the next two weeks, then we wait after that for orders. Until then, we continue to do research and make tons of lists. It will all happen, right? I mean, it has to.

Germany better be worth it

I recently sent an email to my best friend, and realized why I feel so stressed. Since this pretty much all pertains to being an Air Force wife, I thought it'd be appropriate to share here. As I told her, I'm so stressed i could curse til the cows come home and drink til my liver failed, but I know neither would help!

Jon's job has become much busier all of a sudden, because they've given him a second job. This is bringing on longer hours, and him not able to communicate while at work on email. This comes at the same time that his roommate is gone, so while we thought we'd get to talk more and do more video chat, we aren't able to.

He originally thought he'd get to come home any time in July, now it's not so. (He left July 28) Now he could stay even in to Aug maybe. We have absolutely NO CLUE when he will come home. July/August-ish. His sister is getting married in Aug, so hopefully he'll be home by then. This also means that until I get those dates, I can't set up anything for meeting movers in CO and in FL, hotel plans, plans in general for traveling.

Then move on to the fact that there's tons of paperwork i have to get filled out for our military medical clearance. I got a lot of it done, felt good. Then there was a dental form for me and a medical one for my diabetes. The diabetes one I faxed 4/19 and spent all last week back and forth with the office, resulting in me faxing it again this week. The dental one, I went in this week to get done, got my cleaning, but my dentist refused to sign it until I get 2 fillings I need, which wont be until the 26th because that was the earliest available. Then the military person told me that the form I have to get filled out for my diabetes, I also have to get done for all of us since we're going over seas. So, I dropped them off at our primary doc this week, but they refused to even take them, and I had to make an appointment for all of us, and now have to drag all 3 kids to the doc next week right during nap time. I think I have been to the doctor more in the past year just to get forms filled out than I have for a real medical reason!

THe problem is, AFTER I get all these forms, I have to make an appointment, which is only done on Mondays, at a base 2.5 hrs away and take all 3 kids and myself up there. I MAY be able to have this all done by the first Mon in June (My husband was hoping I'd get it all done by the end of Apr/beg of May), but that Monday our son has a followup on his removed tonsils, so we can't even get our medical appt until June 13! Until that is done, husband cannot get his official orders, and until he gets his official orders, we can't get anything else done, set up movers, set up shipping our van, get on the housing waiting list, etc.

Plus throw in little things like the Post office cant seem to deliver mail I've been waiting for and seems to have lost TWO things Jon's sent me...like I went to take Z to swim lessons Monday night only to get there and find out they cancelled them without calling me, or that they had the wrong number typed in and didnt make any other efforts to call me, as they do have my number right in other places...or like the fact that I got chewed out for not flossing this week, that I have gingivitis, and two cavities (my 2nd and 3rd ever)...or like trying to plan the little bit that we do for Rome, trying to communicate with BIL (the future priest) and the travel agency that is not so great at getting back to us in a timely manner, or cashing our check we sent 3 weeks ago. Or that they did email me last night with a rude email, or that our warranty on our van expired 2,000 miles ago and we needed a wheel bearing replaced.

I feel like I've just become an absolute b!tch and any stranger just makes me mad. I have no patience for anyone, nothing nice to say to anyone. I'm grumpy, moody, mad, frustrated, stressed, etc and if anyone passes me, it's soooo evident. And I'm not even PMSing! (actually, fertility returned for one cycle, and nothing since then!) And I'm sometimes unintentionally taking it out on my kids. Yes, I need a 'girls night out' or a mom's day out or a massage or whatever, but I know that wont make it any better. I still have all of this behind me to take care of.

Wow, seeing this all in writing puts it all together and makes me realize why I feel like I do! AHHHHHHHH! No wonder I feel like crying every time something else goes even slightly 'wrong'. (Not looking for anythign, just ranting, venting/whining.)

Two Separate Prayers

Tonight I realized that I'm at a tough spot in my life. A spot where one thought is consuming me, and I am getting hung up on this thought way too often. And the thought is "When exactly will my husband be home?"

Granted, any normal person would say "That's to be expected. I would be bogged down by that thought too." So, maybe I am normal. But tonight, God reminded me to be anxious for nothing and to cast my cares on Him. It hit me that I haven't been reminded of these truths in a long time. And it's clear that Satan has begun to use that to his advantage.

I feel like it's been a while since I was close to God. My kids have been my focus for the past year, and I haven't really had the strength and energy to focus on God. Even getting to mass has been extremely hard, but I've been going for the most part, feeling that I'm barely hanging on, and that's the string keeping me hanging on.

But tonight a thought crossed my mind. Whenever I start worrying about the date, I'm going to turn it over to God. I'm going to say "Lord, you know this is bothering me, please ease my worries, and give Jon a date soon." Those are two separate prayers. (1) Ease my worries and then, aside from that (2) give us a date soon. But first, I want him to ease my worries. I know that maybe this is a test in patience (WHY? I didnt pray for any!) and that we will know eventually. This is just a huge struggle for my personality. However, I do want him to get the date, and God tells us to ask, so I will. I'm interested to see the results in a month or so. Until then, I'm falling asleep typing. Goodnight.

Be organized again

Last night I was in the shower, taking much overdue care of myself, you know, shaving the hair that was so long I could braid it and scraping the dead skin off my feet? Please tell me I'm not the only mom who's been there before...

Anyway, while I was in the shower, I got to thinking how a year ago, I was so organized. I showered every morning, I shaved every Wednesday and Sunday morning, made dinner most nights, stayed on top of the dishes and housework, went to playgroup every Wednesday morning and MOPS every Thursday morning and Bible study on Monday or Tuesday mornings, spent naps being productive, was on top of all the laundry. Even when I was pregnant, my husband would bring it up for me, but it was washed and put away pretty quickly.

Then I got to wondering... did it all stop because I moved in with my parents? Or because my third child joined our little family? I also wondered if my life would ever be organized again and resemble any sort of 'schedule'. Since we plan on homeschooling, I sure hope so! I have high hopes that when we get back together as a family and get our 'own home' again, I'll get back to what I like 'normal' to look like.

Anyway, my middle child, Hannah, almost two and a half, has said some funny and sweet things lately. My favorite is "Hannah, where did you get your pretty curls from?" With a sweet, sincere, proud smile, she says "From daddy" :) Funny thing is I have very curly hair and daddy has a shaved head, that is actually straight.

Another gem is my oldest, Zach, got his tonsils removed on Tuesday. Hannah went to preschool yesterday morning, and came home with a sticker on her forehead. She said the sticker was for Zach. She gave it to him. He smiled and said "Thank you Hannah" and she said "You're welcome" then walked up and planted a big kiss on his lips and gave him a hug :)

And the final one, while watching the Royal Wedding this morning, she caught a glimpse of Her Majesty, the Queen, and said "Mommy! There's Great Nanny!" In all fairness, they do look fairly similar. She was also so excited to see "a real Princess". I know she technically isn't yet, but try telling that to a 2 year old. :)