Housing

I think I've said before, maybe a few times, that we have really been struggling with the apartment we live in on base. We REALLY struggle with it. It's small, tight, on the 2nd floor (but really more like the 3rd because there's a full flight of stairs to the first floor), it smells, our poor neighbor below us hears everything, etc. We've gone back and forth on should we move off base or not. I had finally come to a point where i said "We'll just stay here, and I'll practice/work on being more content with what God has given us."

This week, I got an email. We had bought a table from a woman on an online 'craigslist' type of website when we first moved to Germany. We both loved her home and told the couple if they moved, we'd love to know! I thought she'd told us they were moving in July, so I never tried to contact her about the house, because we can't move off base until Oct. So, this week, I got an email from the woman saying they're PCSing at the end of Aug., and the landlord will need to do some maintenance work before anyone moved in, would we be interested.

I got very excited and called Jon. He said "We'll take it. Without even looking, we'll take it." I said umm, wait... I don't think so. We need to look at it. Come to find out, last week, he had prayed and told God "I want to move off base, but it's just such a struggle and so difficult to find a place, I dont want to go through that hassle. So, we'll be content with where we are, but if you want us to move off base, please drop something in to our laps." I immediately got goosebumps, and worked on setting up a time to see the place.

We went there tonight. It's gorgeous. Five bedrooms, 2 baths, 2 parking spots, and best of all... a yard!!! Modern, somewhat American kitchen. Can hold more than two people like our current kitchen barely can. I know our 10 person table will fit in the dining room because they had it in their before ;-) And even, a room off the den we can use as a playroom. It's basically 4 stories, the basement is a laundry room and storage room, which Jon could use as a woodwork room. Then the main floor has kitchen, bath with shower, dining room, den, patio with backyard, and what would likely be a playroom and maybe homeschool room. Upstairs has 4 bedrooms, the master one is huge compared to what we currently have. And the bathroom has a tub, shower, and two sinks. I'd be willing to share the bathroom with the kids, especially with a separate shower and two sinks. The landlord lives behind the house, and has a nice garden, and apparently offered them a section if they wanted to garden, but they turned it down.

Anyway, we now wait. The couple living there will talk to their landlord this week hopefully and mention we're interested. We'll talk to the base housing and see what is required, how soon we can move out, etc. We really feel like this is from God, completely putting it in our laps. Please pray for us that all will come through fine, as we don't want to get our hopes up and dashed. We wouldn't be moving in until Sept or Oct.

Drawing Closer to Him

I can't believe it's been 2 and a half weeks since our miscarriage. It still seems like it was just the other day. We are moving on, but it is still heavy on our thoughts.

We've been struggling, a lot. I've uttered words, to our friends, that I regret. This is hard to discuss, because I know I have many Catholic readers, but I also have many non-Catholic readers who likely don't understand my faith completely, don't understand why I ever left the Protestant church and faith I grew up in. I don't want to offend, or hurt anyone and their faith. I've said many times, I think all Christian denominations can lead to heaven, I just think the Catholic faith has so many more things to make you holier and get you closer to God. Are we not called to be like Jesus? In the Catholic faith, we have all of the Sacraments that bring you closer to Him, and we have the Eucharist, where we can partake in His suffering.

One of the issues in our family causing a fair amount of strife will make some Catholics laugh, and others, anyone really, to say "I can see why there's strife over that." My husband grew up in a VERY traditional, conservative Catholic family... Homeschooling, 14 children, Latin mass, praying the rosary nightly, etc. What more do you think of when you think of a very Catholic family?

We knew from the beginning of our marriage that we wanted a large family (but knew God was in control of that) but not large in comparison to his family. We figured like 5 kids, but open to what God had for us. My husband knew we'd homeschool. It wasn't until we had kids that I knew the same.

But Latin mass. Oh heck-to-the-no. That was NOT something I was willing to do. But I knew my husband loved and missed it. When we were in CO, I became willing to attend the Latin Mass (TLM) for one Sunday a month. I really didn't want to, but knowing he was the head of our home and missing it greatly, I was willing. For some reason, it never did happen.

When we moved here, we learned the closest Latin mass was about an hour away. I wasn't willing to go there, and I don't think he was/is. However, we have a very traditional, wonderful priest here, who has been talking to people and finding out that there is a desire for TLM here. I didn't believe it'd come about.

Long story short, and lots of personal details left out, our priest is trying to get the first Latin mass said here in our military community (With an English instead of German homily) for Aug 15, the Assumption of Mary, with my husband as the choir leader. I went crazy, to say the least. Mad at my husband, mad in a way at our priest, mad at the Catholic Church, not even wanting to go to Adoration and pray before the Blessed Sacrament, I even started saying "I hate TLM, I hate the rosary." As I said in my last post, Satan was using the emotions that were here from the miscarriage in our marriage. To me, this was a BIG problem, and to come right on the heals of our miscarriage, I was completely broken by this.

It took me several days to discover the root of my problems. There were a lot of roots. Hurt from the miscarriage, Anger and fear from the miscarriage and other things. Then I began to feel like God was calling me to a holier life, but dang, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was ANGRY at the Church over things, ANGRY about TLM, angry about the rosary. The last thing I wanted to do was to do things that were "more Catholic". I just wanted to wallow in my sorrow and anger.

After many conversations together, I was telling my husband "I've grown so angry, that I can't even pray any more. I was in the shower, and would get about 5 words out, out loud, and couldn't pray any more." Immediately, the phone rang, asking us to pray for a friend on the way to the ER. Immediately, my husband and I sat down and started praying what I'd been claiming I hated... the rosary. Somehow, even though I don't enjoy the rosary necessarily, sitting there, meditating on the Sorrowful mysteries with my husband, brought out a wave of emotions, especially surrounding everything we had and were going through. And somehow, the next day, while driving for 40 minutes alone, I was able to pray again. It was like a huge weight was lifted.

I came in and told my husband. "I think I know why I don't want to do TLM. And you're going to laugh, but please don't." I went on to tell him that when I think about very devout Catholics, they homeschool, use Natural Family Planning, have large families because they love each other and can't stay away when they're bodies crave each other, go to daily mass, pray the rosary all the time, study the Saints, go to Latin mass, wear skirts all the time, and all these other stereotypical things. And honestly, usually, most people see them as WEIRD! And well, I just don't want to be WEIRD!

He did his best to stifle the laughter. He really did. He said well, out of most of those, there's about 3 that we don't do... YET. And I'll never say you have to wear skirts every day, so we'll ignore that one. He said So, what's wrong with all of that? And I repeated "Most people see them as weird. I don't want to be WEIRD!!"

But since then, God has placed a lot on my heart.... He has pointed out what others thought of him as "King of the Jews", how they mocked him and persecuted Him. He has shown me all these things (Well, not ALL, but many) bring me closer to Him, and that He is calling me, drawing me nearer to Him. He's asked me "If these things are available, to get to know ME better, Aimee, why wouldn't you use them? They're for my glory, to bring you to me." I tried to tell Him that I didn't have the time, that I barely have time to keep up on the housework, teach my children, heck, I don't even work out which I desperately need to do. And he replied "But, aren't you suppose to do everything for Me? Do that housework for me, it'll bring us closer. As much as you hate it, work out for me, to take care of the body I've given you. It'll bring us closer."

So, i'm not saying I'm ok to the Latin mass yet, but I am saying God's softening my heart. And maybe I'll do it, and I'll do my best to do it with a joyful heart. Thankfully I have 2 months to find the joyfulness. My husband wants to 'teach' TLM to me, but I"m not sure how i feel about that. I mean, I still haven't learned German. I do NOT like cultural changes/language differences. It's just NOT my cup of tea. And I know that's why I'm fighting it a lot too. In the mean time, I will do my best to continue to seek after God, and pray that my heart is open to what he wants from me, to bring us closer together.

And to end with, I have been listening to this 1 hour audio CD by Jeff Cavins: 15 Things to Do in the Midst of Suffering. If you're suffering in any way, I STRONGLY recommend it. I was amazed at some of the things he said, that we actually followed throughout our suffering, and some that I thought "Wow, I wish I had known/thought of that before.

How to handle a friend's miscarriage

I had a friend ask me today "What should we do?" regarding how to help me following my miscarriage. I realized it was a great question, and until you go through one, you really don't know what to do. So here is what *I* needed and helped me.

Honestly, I wanted to be left alone. The face-to-face sympathy, while it's appreciated, made me feel VERY uncomfortable. So personally, I just wanted to stay home for a week or so to avoid that. During that time, I personally took a lot of time to pray and seek God. I also used that time to reclaim the mess in my house. I had let it go, because the first trimester makes me so tired, that I'd nap when the kids napped, which is when I usually clean house. So I took my anger and grief, and focused it on my house.

As for friends, I greatly appreciated the "I'm sorry"s, hugs and prayers via the internet. They did mean a lot. And honestly, the prayers were the greatest. They really helped me through I think.

As for a way to actually show me the support, there were two things that took place. One friend told me "I'm bringing you dinner tomorrow. Is this time good?" That was really appreciated because I am not the type to say yes to offers, but if you're just telling me you're doing it, I won't tell you don't. I felt bad, because I really didn't need the meal, I was having no problem cooking, but God placed it on my heart that I give to others so much, let them give back to me. And that meal, for 2 nights, was greatly appreciated.

The other was a friend who said "Hey, want me to come watch your kids for an hour or two while you go to the Blessed Sacrament Chapel and pray before the Eucharist?" This is something I've never actually done, but I knew some time away from my house, away from my other children, to think and pray, would be very good and healing. And it was.

So, that was how I handled the healing, and what I needed or what helped me.

With that said, if you're still up for praying for us, please do. I am very tired and warn out it seems, probably from not getting enough sleep. Satan knows we're struggling, and he's using that to his full advantage in our marriage. Thank you.

Grace and Suffering

I am doing well. I really am.

Physically isn't so bad. Not much pain thankfully.

Emotionally... Well, God has been what I've needed. I don't say this to boast, but to tell the truth. His grace has been sufficient and helped me though. I'm reminded again of the verse I posted the other day.
And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakenss." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  2 Cor. 12:9

You know how we're told to meditate on scripture? It's been a while since I've seen this in my own life. I keep remembering the things He has told me, and they run through my mind, over and over and over again.

His grace is sufficient for me.

If only we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. And the words 'suffer WITH Him' just jumped out at me! I'm not alone in my suffering. In my suffering, I am tied to Him. I can offer my suffering up for others, praying for them. (Oh how I LOVE this idea in our faith!!) 

These children are HIS. 

The Lord gives and takes away. 

God pulled another one on me that made me smile the other day. I have a prayer journal, that I honestly haven't written in in a while. The last entry was 3/31 (Not to say I haven't prayed since then haha!), where I was asking God to help us discern if we should be trying to conceive, and where I wrote something else that struck me on Sunday. I wrote that twice that day, I had read not to ask God why, but to trust Him. I wrote that I didn't know why God was telling me this, but if a time was to come in my future, please help me to trust Him, and not ask why, but also, please protect our family. AMAZING. Even 2 months ago, God was preparing me, and I don't think I have asked why, at least not that I remember. I remember praying a few times "Lord, I don't understand why, but I am trusting you." I don't think I could be in this position without Him, without His grace. And even more, without the prayers of so many others. 

So many of our friends knew we'd been wanting to get pregnant, knew how incredibly excited we were. I mean, we couldn't even wait to tell people because we were so excited! (Plus, we just don't keep secrets well ;-)). So, knowing that, we know our friends have been praying for us, and I can't tell you how much that has helped. I really, truly feel at peace. I know the peace may go away, as we discuss our plans for the future, it may diminish some if we get pregnant again, and I'm sure Christmas will be a struggle in a way this year. But, I know the power of prayer, and God's power, as it has been made SO INCREDIBLY EVIDENT to us lately.

This is off topic a bit, because it's something I've wanted to blog about so much lately, but haven't had the chance. God has blessed us in amazing ways living in Germany. I can't say I love Germany, our house, any of that. But... I can say I LOVE our Catholic community. All of our friends are also all blown away by how God has brought us together as a community. The love, the friendship, the support, the giving, the caring. It truly amazes me, and shows the love of Christ. But best of all, I am amazed at how much I am spiritually growing here, having this support community around me, keeping me accountable and challenging me. 

It's probably sad, but in my 4 years of being a Catholic, I don't think I had yet gone to pray before the Blessed Sacrament (Unless it was available at mass.) This week, a dear friend offered to come and hang with my kids for a little bit so I could, and what... what peace it brought me, to get 30 minutes to just sit there, praying, writing some prayer, and listening to what God needed to tell me, in absolute peace and quiet. (You can guarantee I don't get that ever!) 

I am truly blessed and thankful for what God has given me, and rejoicing in my blessings is helping me through the struggles. I know God is in control, and I trust Him. I don't need to know why to anything, I just need to leave it in His hands, and pray for His guidance in what to do more often. This event in our lives has definitely shown me and taught me some lessons, and I pray I don't forget these lessons in the future. 

The Lord gives, the Lord takes away... Job 1:21

This will truly be a long post. But the very short end of it is this. We have miscarried this child God gave us, and our hearts our broken. Prayers are always appreciated.


I'm struggling spiritually, in a weird way. I totally trust God, know he's in control, am meditating on scripture, all of that. I'm struggling because I feel like God took this child from me because I forgot it was His. I was all "we're pregnant", not giving God the glory in that part of my life. Assuming we'd be fine, and have a healthy, normal baby in Dec., already having fun buying a maternity shirt or two, looking at car seats, etc. But not really praying for said child, not really talking to God about it, Not giving Him the glory. Totally forgetting that this child, all my children, are HIS and not mine, and that He gives and He can take away. I feel like it's my fault, spiritually speaking, that the Lord has taken it away. I know, that's probably stupid, but that's how I feel. 


However, I see the Lord in it all still. While I was in the hospital Friday night, bleeding and thinking we were miscarrying, I knew a friend was likely in labor, at the same hospital (and did see she had the baby by the next morning.) So I was able to pray for her. The nurse said they were never blessed with children, and were hoping to start foster care to adopt when they got back stateside, so I was able to pray for her. All these others God placed on my heart, to distract me during the time and offer up my suffering for them. 

While I was sitting in the hospital today, waiting confirmation that my HCG had in fact dropped and it was indeed a miscarriage, I was reading a book, and happened to see my bookmark, which contained this prayer:

Bless this Little child, Lord.

Lord, look down from heaven from above

And touch this special child with love,

Protect and guide this little one,

Till each and every day is done:

Remind us often that it's true:

This life is a gift from you.

A miracle you've sent our way!

Lord bless this child today.

I immediately prayed this prayer, twice, hoping that we'd come back to hear some miracle, but knowing if there wasn't the answer *I* wanted, that this was GOD'S CHILD, not mine.

Another thing happened while sitting in the hospital today. I am attempting to read The Interior Castle by Saint Teresa of Avila. She wrote the following:

Do not act thus, sisters; embrace the cross your Spouse bore on His shoulders; know that your motto should be: 'Most happy she who suffers most if it be for Christ!' All else should be looked upon as secondary: if our Lord give it you, render Him grateful thanks. You may imagine you would be resolute in enduring external trials if God gave you interior consolations: His Majesty knows best what is good for us; it is not for us to advise Him how to treat us, for He has the right to tell us that we know not what we ask. Remember, it is of the greatest importance--the sole aim of one beginning to practise prayer should be to endure trials, and to resolve and strive to the utmost of her power to conform her own will to the will of God.

Following this, I went to mass, alone. I spent a great amount of time praying, telling God how I felt. Amazingly, when the scripture reading came, the second one contained Romans 8:17- If only we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. Followed by Matthew 28:20 And behold I am with you always, until the end of the age.  


I felt God was clearly speaking to me about suffering, and I had confidence that He does know what is better for me than I may even ask. Following mass, I was attempting to pick up around the house. My house is an absolute disaster right now. I mean, seriously. Normally I couldn't care less if a friend stopped by, but I would be embarrassed at this time. So I found a book. A book that was given to me at MOPS, right after I announced I was pregnant. I took it home and honestly never gave it a second look. Tonight I went to move it and there was a bookmark inside. When I opened that page, it read 

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakenss." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  2 Cor. 12:9

God's grace -- these are two of the most powerful words of the Bible. Those words cover our mistakes and shortcomings. They give us hope to look beyond life's disappointments. Adversity is a bridge to a deeper relationship with God. He does not glory in our pain or sorrow, but He does use our experiences to teach us about His love and faithfulness. God knows the future. He undertands the benefit of our shortcomings and how they can be used to strengthen our faith, refine our hope, and settle our hearts into a plae of contentment and trust. God has promised that His grace is sufficient, and He will walk with us through the valley times of life. 

Have you ever felt like life was going so great, there would definitely be a trial in front of you at some point? I had felt like that recently. It never crossed my mind that God would decide to take this child. But in Him taking it, He offer his grace, His grace that it sufficient for me. 


I share all of this because this is what is helping me through today, and through this weekend. I want to remember what God is telling me down the road, when I continue to grieve. We all grieve in our own ways. Mine appears to remain quiet, not talk much to anyone besides my husband, stay secluded for the most part, and to listen for God's direction. I am amazed at the direction He is giving me, and the comfort and peace. I may feel it's spiritually my fault, but God is giving me nuggets to chew on, to help me continue to seek after Him. 


My husband enjoys naming our children that have gone on to God before we were ready. Our first, prior to Abigayle, was James. This child is named Jacob, as it was a name Zach suggested at one point. We, as husband and wife, are really struggling. God gave us our other children, without us knowing we wanted them. This one, we knew we wanted before it was even conceived. We hoped and prayed for a child, and God gave it for a short while, then took it back. What do I know? for He has the right to tell us that we know not what we ask. I don't understand, but I know God's child is home with Him. In the meantime, I have 3 of His other children He has entrusted to me and I will do my best to raise them for His glory.