The Lord gives, the Lord takes away... Job 1:21

This will truly be a long post. But the very short end of it is this. We have miscarried this child God gave us, and our hearts our broken. Prayers are always appreciated.


I'm struggling spiritually, in a weird way. I totally trust God, know he's in control, am meditating on scripture, all of that. I'm struggling because I feel like God took this child from me because I forgot it was His. I was all "we're pregnant", not giving God the glory in that part of my life. Assuming we'd be fine, and have a healthy, normal baby in Dec., already having fun buying a maternity shirt or two, looking at car seats, etc. But not really praying for said child, not really talking to God about it, Not giving Him the glory. Totally forgetting that this child, all my children, are HIS and not mine, and that He gives and He can take away. I feel like it's my fault, spiritually speaking, that the Lord has taken it away. I know, that's probably stupid, but that's how I feel. 


However, I see the Lord in it all still. While I was in the hospital Friday night, bleeding and thinking we were miscarrying, I knew a friend was likely in labor, at the same hospital (and did see she had the baby by the next morning.) So I was able to pray for her. The nurse said they were never blessed with children, and were hoping to start foster care to adopt when they got back stateside, so I was able to pray for her. All these others God placed on my heart, to distract me during the time and offer up my suffering for them. 

While I was sitting in the hospital today, waiting confirmation that my HCG had in fact dropped and it was indeed a miscarriage, I was reading a book, and happened to see my bookmark, which contained this prayer:

Bless this Little child, Lord.

Lord, look down from heaven from above

And touch this special child with love,

Protect and guide this little one,

Till each and every day is done:

Remind us often that it's true:

This life is a gift from you.

A miracle you've sent our way!

Lord bless this child today.

I immediately prayed this prayer, twice, hoping that we'd come back to hear some miracle, but knowing if there wasn't the answer *I* wanted, that this was GOD'S CHILD, not mine.

Another thing happened while sitting in the hospital today. I am attempting to read The Interior Castle by Saint Teresa of Avila. She wrote the following:

Do not act thus, sisters; embrace the cross your Spouse bore on His shoulders; know that your motto should be: 'Most happy she who suffers most if it be for Christ!' All else should be looked upon as secondary: if our Lord give it you, render Him grateful thanks. You may imagine you would be resolute in enduring external trials if God gave you interior consolations: His Majesty knows best what is good for us; it is not for us to advise Him how to treat us, for He has the right to tell us that we know not what we ask. Remember, it is of the greatest importance--the sole aim of one beginning to practise prayer should be to endure trials, and to resolve and strive to the utmost of her power to conform her own will to the will of God.

Following this, I went to mass, alone. I spent a great amount of time praying, telling God how I felt. Amazingly, when the scripture reading came, the second one contained Romans 8:17- If only we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. Followed by Matthew 28:20 And behold I am with you always, until the end of the age.  


I felt God was clearly speaking to me about suffering, and I had confidence that He does know what is better for me than I may even ask. Following mass, I was attempting to pick up around the house. My house is an absolute disaster right now. I mean, seriously. Normally I couldn't care less if a friend stopped by, but I would be embarrassed at this time. So I found a book. A book that was given to me at MOPS, right after I announced I was pregnant. I took it home and honestly never gave it a second look. Tonight I went to move it and there was a bookmark inside. When I opened that page, it read 

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakenss." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  2 Cor. 12:9

God's grace -- these are two of the most powerful words of the Bible. Those words cover our mistakes and shortcomings. They give us hope to look beyond life's disappointments. Adversity is a bridge to a deeper relationship with God. He does not glory in our pain or sorrow, but He does use our experiences to teach us about His love and faithfulness. God knows the future. He undertands the benefit of our shortcomings and how they can be used to strengthen our faith, refine our hope, and settle our hearts into a plae of contentment and trust. God has promised that His grace is sufficient, and He will walk with us through the valley times of life. 

Have you ever felt like life was going so great, there would definitely be a trial in front of you at some point? I had felt like that recently. It never crossed my mind that God would decide to take this child. But in Him taking it, He offer his grace, His grace that it sufficient for me. 


I share all of this because this is what is helping me through today, and through this weekend. I want to remember what God is telling me down the road, when I continue to grieve. We all grieve in our own ways. Mine appears to remain quiet, not talk much to anyone besides my husband, stay secluded for the most part, and to listen for God's direction. I am amazed at the direction He is giving me, and the comfort and peace. I may feel it's spiritually my fault, but God is giving me nuggets to chew on, to help me continue to seek after Him. 


My husband enjoys naming our children that have gone on to God before we were ready. Our first, prior to Abigayle, was James. This child is named Jacob, as it was a name Zach suggested at one point. We, as husband and wife, are really struggling. God gave us our other children, without us knowing we wanted them. This one, we knew we wanted before it was even conceived. We hoped and prayed for a child, and God gave it for a short while, then took it back. What do I know? for He has the right to tell us that we know not what we ask. I don't understand, but I know God's child is home with Him. In the meantime, I have 3 of His other children He has entrusted to me and I will do my best to raise them for His glory.