saw the baby

We hired a sitter last Monday, for the first time ever, so Jon and I could go to the doc appointment alone. Thankfully, there was one, good, happy looking baby. I was so thankful Jon went with me, because as we left, we discovered we were driving on the rim thanks to a nice nail. I never would have been able to change the tire on my own, so I'm very thankful he was there. I also learned that my progesterone levels were even better and I got to go down to one shot twice a week, and my reaction to them seems to be much better lately, so that's good.

Aside from this, if you are open to praying for me, I could use prayers lately. I'm going through a very difficult time spiritually. Things I dont feel comfortable discussing, but things that I really need to work out, stuff that's going to take time. I need lots of healing and obviously, can't do it on my own.

The kids are doing great. H has discovered jewelry and some new red heart Valentines sunglasses. She's become somewhat of a little diva. It's really cute lol! She is also insisting a lot on wearing her squeaky shoes, and then loves to dance and make noises with them.

Z is growing up fast. He's quickly learning that he's not suppose to get out a new bucket of toys until his other toys are put away, and he's started telling H what to do. ie today, we were telling her to get off the picnic table. He said "H, get down, now." LOL! He's also really big in to praying. When we eat, we say the basic meal prayer, and at the end, we taught him to say "Thank you Jesus for this food, Amen." and he's totally started saying it on his own without us prompting him. Also, H has started putting both of her hands on her head when we do the sign of the cross. I love the innocence and learning of little children.

Anyway, that's it for tonight.

Updates

well, last week, the doc took me off the oral progesterone, so i'm now just taking 2 shots 2x a week. I think I am much better regarding the moodiness and depression. However, I think I'm allergic to the shots or something. I have welt-like knots all over my bottom that itch constantly. This happened about a week and a half ago and the doc said that was totally normal, but it's getting worse, so I need to call and see what else we can do.

I finally heard back from my OB. The physician apparently wants to see me every week until I'm at least 12 weeks. However, thankfully because their schedule is already so full, and I am only available on Mondays and Fridays, I have one next Monday (almost 10w), one the following Monday (almost 11w), and then my first trimester ultrasound at 13 weeks. They will do an ultrasound next Monday to check for viability. I'm anxious and nervous about this. I'm so afraid that since we had a miscarriage in Nov., that this one won't make it. But, I am still having nausea, which is my normal pregnancy sign, so I know I probably shouldn't worry. I'm also freaked for some reason that there might be twins, even though I totally doubt it.

In other news... hmm, there's not really much else. I guess this is it for now :)

babies and "cwap cwap"

Last week was super busy, several doc appointments, two moms Nights Out, and Mops, and Bible study. I was so exhausted. Saturday we spent almost all day at our friends house. Jon helped change their brakes and messed up his finger pretty bad. I hung out with the kids and Bobbie all day, and we baked and had lots of fun.

I'm having a really hard time. I'm not sure if it's the progesterone I'm on (I'm taking 2,200mg in a week!), or that mixed with pregnancy and everything else going on, but I'm feeling really depressed. I've never felt depressed before, except for like 2 days with PMS. This is so bad, that even Jon thinks so. If I ever get in to see the OB, I plan on talking to them about it. Today is the first day I've been able to really get anything done in my house, without feeling mopey and not wanting to do anything. But yeah, Jon says that I'm complaining about everything and so pessimistic, which is NOT like me.

The kids are good. Hannah is saying so much, talking more than most kids her age. She loves her babies and if she's doing something she's not suppose to, it's easy to distract her by saying "Where's your baby?" She also loves to pull her shirt up and say "tickle tickle tickle" or come up to me or zach and do the same. She also says daddy all.day.long. It's her favorite word haha.

Zach is all about reading lately. He brings me books and says "close it" and tries to close my laptop lol. I decided to try to do http://letteroftheweek.com/ with Zach, but I didn't get very far. But, we've been learning about cows. A cute cow book if you're interested is Click Clack Moo by Doreen Cronin. He knows what noise cows make. And ducks say "cwap, cwap" lol. he also knows sheep say "baaa, baa" and he shakes his head while he says it lol. We've also been working on horses, birds, and a few other ones.

More than one can handle

I know God promises He will never give you more than you can handle... So, what if you feel like you're at your breaking point and you just can't take one more thing, but really, compared to others, you have it so easy and are so blessed?

That's how I'm currently feeling and am struggling with this. I feel like I'm barely hanging on, and am only because of God and his strength He gives me. Yet, I know I'm so blessed in comparison to others. I'm blessed with fertility (which, believe it or not, can be a cross too), I'm blessed that we have 2 healthy children and are expecting another, I'm blessed that my husband has a job and that because of it, we will be completely debt free in two years. I'm very blessed to be celebrating my 3rd anniversary next week and be so much more in love with my husband than I was 3 yrs ago.

Yet, I dont want to look at that. I want to look at the fact that within the next 6 months, I have things going on 3-4 mornings a week, plus doc appointments for me, plus packing and moving and all the other little stuff in between, like getting our wills done, renting a storage unit, finalizing stuff, all while pregnant and trying to control my diabetes, then moving to FL at 30 weeks pregnant and trying to find a new OB/docs, have my husband leave, having another freakin' c-section, without my husband there, recovering from a csection with a new baby, a 1yr and a 2 yo, and my husband not meeting our new one until Christmas, then him leaving again and not being with him again until summer 2011, and the complete overwhelming feeling I have non-stop now, the feeling of I'm sinking. None of this was a big deal when we started to try to conceive before Jon got orders. I keep telling myself God must have REALLY wanted us to have this child, and that God has really big plans for him or her.

And then I think of those around me. Those who are begging God to get pregnant, those who have children with issues they're trying to figure out, those who's parents are suffering from cancer, those who are having struggles in their marriage,those who's husbands are deployed right now and to places much worse than where mine is going, and I think, "Why am I complaining??"

Well, quite frankly, because God has allowed me to have the most I can handle right now, and I feel like I'm just barely surviving, yet, I feel like I can't discuss it with many, because they are having a much more difficult time than we are. So, alas, I am just telling the www instead. When you feel weak, it's those times that God makes you stronger huh? I'm just praying He doesn't allow any more tough things to come our way, because I'm just barely hanging on. And i'm praying for a good, healthy sounding heartbeat on Friday when I go to my first doc appointment, because after having a miscarriage a few months ago and learning another friend just had a 9 week miscarriage, I'm terrified.

No delay :'(

Jon got told today that he can't delay his orders without denying them. If he denies them, he can't reenlist. I'm an emotional wreck. I was REALLY trusting God to allow the orders to be denied. My faith has been really shaky already, so this doesnt help. We could use prayers for discernment, as we dont know what decisions to make from here, and I just REALLY dont want to talk to God at the moment.

God and His ways

So, for those of you that havent heard, about a week or so after Jon got orders, we got a positive home pregnancy test, so we are expecting again! We're super excited, but nervous, worried, etc as well. Jon has asked for a 2 month delay on his orders, because he's suppose to leave in July, and the baby is due in August.

One of my doctors has put me on progesterone, due to my recent miscarriage. I'm getting two shots twice a week, and orally every night. Unfortunately, these are really tough on my emotional state. I feel like I've become a total ... bad gal... for lack of a better, Christian-like word. I mean, seriously, I am so grumpy and jumpy and easy to chew someone out. I'm usually all talk, but not now, I'm all about doing it as well. (chewing people out)

So, this post is short, but if you're open for praying for us, we can use prayers for the following:
- that Jon's orders to get delayed, and super soon as it's really stressing me out
- for my mood/temper, that I may get use to the progesterone
- for the health and safety of the baby and myself
- for me as I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything going on in our lives

Thanks everyone. Hopefully I'll post more sooner than later :)

And now

We have basically decided that I will go home and live with my parents during Jon's time away, for many reasons. The support of family is very important. Also, we are pretty certain we will be going overseas after his deployment, so I feel it's important for my kids to spend as much time with their extended family as possible before we go. Also, Jon is worried about me living alone with my diabetes, which I can understand.

So now, we have about 7 months to figure everything out and pack, etc. My mind is constantly racing. "Do I want to keep this or put it in the yard sale?" "Will we really use this in Europe? Can I replace it if I decide I want something like it? Does Europe have Goodwill type stores? I mean, that's where the majority of our belongings and the kids' clothes come from after all. Should I put this in storage or take it to FL with me? Is this worth hanging on to until we have another baby, or should i just get rid of it and replace it down the road? All of these questions and I can't stop thinking about moving. However, I also really want to enjoy the remainder of our time here, so I am trying not to think about it too much.

In other news, I am so ready for Christmas! I can't wait to see the kids open their Christmas gifts this year. I can't wait to get the big box of stuff from Santa out of my room. :) I am completely ready, with the exception of wrapping about 5 more gifts. However, that requires cleaning our awful bedroom so I can find the rest of the gifts haha. That's my plan for the afternoon. In fact, it's 12, so I'm going to go put lil man in bed, put dinner in the crockpot, and start my bedroom and cleaning my bathroom.

Today's good deal. I found a Little Tykes bookcase, like we had growing up, in pink, for $6 at the Goodwill today! Super excited about it, as I think they are now collectors items. It looks like the one below.

How God works

I have shared with a handful of people our sad news. Today, Jon found out he has orders to the Middle East. It's a safe place he's been to many times before, but it's away from us, for a year. He leaves in July. This was a total bombshell to us. We were expecting at least one more year here. During that one more year, we had big plans. Jon was going to apply to Officer Training School, we were going to try to get pregnant again, we were going to go to Rome a year from now for his brother's ordination, we were going to go here and there, etc. Now, none of that will happen. But, it's really amazing how God works...

Jon was going to apply for OTS in December, but the board got canceled. That took some stress off of us, but now we see, it worked out that Jon hasn't been busting his butt to apply, only to find out we couldn't apply. We experienced a miscarriage 2 months ago. We've been waiting on some doctors stuff before we decided to try again. We were planning to in January. Now we're really thankful we had decided to wait until January. We had felt recently like we weren't suppose to go to Rome, even though we really wanted to go. It just didn't feel right for some reason. Now, we know why.

It's amazing to see, when I get out of my "pity-party,- you-stink-Air-Force, you're-messing-up -our-plans" mood, to see how God is and has been working it all out for us. I'm still so NOT happy about it. In fact, I seriously have had crying moments on and off all day, especially when Jon came home and started crying because he's going to miss a year of the kids' lives. Plus, when I'm crying and my 2 year old says "Crying mommy, crying", that doesn't help either.

But, we know this, that God will supply all our needs. We have so much to be thankful for. We're thankful that God let us be stationed here in the beginning of our marriage, so that we could really cultivate our marriage without a deployment for the first 3 and a half years of marriage. We're thankful that God blessed us with two beautiful children during that time. We're thankful that if the kids and I stay here, or if we go back home to FL, we have a support system either way. We're thankful that during Jon's time there, we'll be able to become almost completely debt free. We're thankful that afterwards, we might be able to get orders to Germany and travel throughout Europe during that time.

Now... if I can try and remember all the reasons I'm thankful, and think about the positive instead of the negative, I'd be doing good.

List a Mile long

Of course, it's the holidays. So what does that mean? Lists and lists of things to do. I can't even tell you everything I need to do, and I'm done shopping! Christmas cards, baking, wrapping, mailing packages, finishing both of the wreaths that needed to be redone, clean the house, etc. We have company coming in town on Friday, so it's one of those "I have 5 days to do everything". And this doesn't include the normal stuff, like playgroup's cleaning toys tomorrow night, doc appointment tomorrow, Bible Study on Tues., taking meals to two new mommys on Tues and Wed., playgroup on Wednesday, playdate at my house on Thursday, Holy Day of Obligation on Tuesday, etc. etc. etc. Then I just got an invite to a party on Thurs night. I thankfully am denying the invitation.

Yet, I'm realizing that even though I have this huge list of things to do, I need to stop now and then. I need to read a book or play on the floor with the kids a little. I need to relax and watch a show with Jon. I need to take the time to enjoy the holidays. I am soooo excited about Christmas for the first time in years. I absolutely cannot wait to see my kids and the excitement they get from Christmas this year.

Anyway, I guess my point is, to you, and to myself most importantly, is don't get so overwhelmed by all the "things" this Christmas. remember what it's really about... Jesus' birth, giving, family, spending time together, etc.

Aside from this, last Sat., Hannah just up and decided she wanted to walk, and now she is, all over the house. I LOVE it! It's that wobbly but determined stage. She's following Zach all around wherever he walks. So cute!

Being a better mom

I have, for a while now, wanted to be a better mom. Don't we all? We are never "good enough" for ourselves I think. Yesterday, I had one of those proud "I'm doing better moments".

I was in the midst of laundry, which was way overdue. I had 8 loads to tackle throughout the day. I have learned that it is impossible to fold laundry with a 1 year old and a 2 year old, so I let it all pile up, clean, in to baskets during the day, and start folding at 8pm when the kids go to bed, usually while watching some good show on tv. Yesterday, there was a basket on the floor in the living room, and wouldn't you know, it looked like so much fun to my two little kids. They both decided to start tossing all of the clothes out. I wanted to get mad, but took a moment and paused.

I realized, the living room floor was basically clean. Maybe a few Cherios that I missed from the day before, but that was it. There were no dirty clothes on the floor, so I knew that whatever they were pulling out would be clean when I decided to fold them later. So, I let them do it. Aside from that, I realized I needed another laundry basket, as all were full, and this gave me one. And I stayed cool and calm and realized what they were doing just wasn't in need of me getting mad about. This was my proud mommy moment of the day.

Oh, and I made a dinner with lots of yummy veggies and sausage, thanks to the Crockpot Lady, and when threatened with bed, Zach actually ate it. That made me feel like a good mommy too. :) This was after I let Elmo babysit the kids while I took a shower, which I am off to do again...