The "or not" part

So, in my last post, I said how I’ve decided to walk away from spankings for the most part. After I became a mom, I never really wanted to use them. However, I got to a point where I did them out of desperation. But I’m really realizing they are not working and am reevaluating some of my parenting techniques. Amazing how we think we have one parenting aspect down, then we must relearn or change our methods.

I’ll start with redirection. I think in the very early years, this is a great choice. My daughter is 9 months old. She is very much in to things, especially paper. If I pop her hand (lightly, trying to teach her not to do it) and say no, she looks at me, laughs, and does it again. Over, and over, and over, and over again. She does not stop. Maybe she even thinks we’re playing a game. However, if I pick her up and move her away from the situation and the paper, she won’t come back to it. I don’t think a 9 month old fully understands that meaning of no yet. So until then, I have to use other options.

Another example of redirection and of using time outs is my 2 and a half year old daughter. When she gets upset, her method of expressing herself is screaming at the top of her lungs. I’m normally not a fan of sending kids to their room, but for her it works. She stands at the door until she gets the screaming out of her system, then comes out a different person. By being in her room with the door closed, she’s not hurting our ears. If I were to spank her, she’d just escalate and we’d get no where. When she comes out, I ask her if she feels better, does she know why she was sent to her room, and I make her apologize for throwing a tantrum and hurting everyone’s ears. In fact, she has gotten to the point that when she starts to scream, she goes to her room on her own, which shows me that I’ve taught her well that screaming is not allowed where it hurts other people’s ears. I would love to eventually teach her how to breathe and stay calm, but she goes from zero to full tantrum in a second with no time to coach her otherwise, so for the time, this method works for our family.

I wish I could say how I’ve handled this in public, but I only remember once. We were in the church parking lot and she flipped out about something. She was standing by the van and started stomping and screaming. I got in my seat in the car and sat down, watching her out of my mirror (to make sure she was safe, but to not let her know she was getting my attention doing it.) I got tons of looks, some of “Why is that mom letting her do that?” and some were looks of sympathy. We’ll just say that I have gotten to a point where I don’t care what others say or thing or even how they look at me. I do what works for my children. And I get enough encouragement when they are usually well-behaved to make up for the sour people.

She eventually climbed in to her seat, still screaming. My son told me she was hurting his ears. I told him I was sorry, that I was sure she’d be done in a minute. Sure enough, she decided she was done soon after that. So we had a discussion about how I will not tolerate stomping feet and tantrums like that. I think she also lost out on a privilege later that day. But, it has not happened since. (Knock on wood!)

For my son, who is four months shy of turning four, time outs work. He is also very sensitive, so if he hears mommy’s upset, he tends to correct his actions. He is also in a “WHY?” phase. I use to think this stage would drive me up the wall, but instead, I take each time he asks as a teaching moment. Looking at it that way makes it much more bearable. I can’t think of an overall form of discipline that works for him. Most of it depends on the situation. For example, if I can’t get him to nap, sometimes I put him in someone else’s bed. This is likely a form of redirection. I did try spankings for a long time, but they just never worked. He’d get spanked and within one minute, he was up playing again. Moving him away from his toys has a much better effect and brings about the desired goal, him sleeping.

So, my point of yesterday’s post and today’s is there are many forms of discipline. What works for some parents, doesn’t work for others. What works for some kids doesn’t work for others. In fact, I remember my brothers getting spankings, and they’d laugh or keep doing what they were suppose to. I remember spankings had a HUGE impact on me, and I rarely did something that would require a spanking because I hated them that much. So, it all depends on the parents, the kids, and the action that needs discipline. I think the best answer is find what works for your family, be consistent (I honestly struggle with this), don’t worry about what others think, and above all, love your children.