Bike Rides and Parties

I need a light-hearted post I have decided, so here we shall talk about bike rides and parties, our normal life stuff. :)

Recently, my husband somehow convinced me that my bike was junkie, and I needed a new one. Low and behold, after I got the new one, my other one WAS junkie in comparison.

My husband rides his bike to work most days. We bought him a cheap, used, $50 bike when we first moved here almost a year ago, because I said before we spent a lot of money on it, he needed to show he was going to actually use it. (This sounds very "mommy" like, but it was agreed by both of us ;-)) So, he has, and he recently convinced me he also needed a new bike. He is 6'3, and a 16" bike is just difficult for him, so he got a new 18" to 21" bike. Today, we went on a bike ride with our new bikes, and the kids. Oh! Now's the perfect time to show you what our family bike ride looks like, minus me. :)

 This picture was last weekend, on his old bike. It's not a great one because Jon was wanting to go and getting frustrated I wanted to take a pic. But, he has Zach on the tagalong behind him, and the girls in the trailer behind that! He's amazing I tell you!!

After our 8 mile bike ride today, we headed to the park for our good friends' 3 year old's birthday party. Hannah was so excited and insisted on carrying her present, and took her "birthday book" with her to read to B. It was a book of prayers, and on one page, there as a cake, and Hannah really wanted to share the book with B.

I love Hannah's heart. She is almost always seeking God in some sweet, child-like way. She is often looking for Jesus in her play, loves to pretend her cups are the Blood and Body of Christ, loves to pretend she's in mass, puts her blanket on her head to be Mary, etc. She will tell us "I did XYZ because that's Love mommy, and Jesus likes it when we love others." I have been trying lately, when she's screaming a bloody fit about something, to think about her sweet, Christ-like moments and ponder them during the rough times.

The other normal thing we did was go to pick flowers the other day. In Germany, there are Blumen fields, and you go pick whatever flowers you want, and they cost €0.60 for each one you pick. So, for €4.20 I got all of these beautiful flowers.

**Disclaimer... they're prettier than they look, I just don't know how to arrange flowers well apparently, and it was 10pm when I took the picture. Oh, and they look like they're dying already, because I've inherited my mother's black thumb. My friend told me today to put sugar in the water, so I did. We'll see how they look in the morning.

This week was busy as well. On Tuesday, Jon had Schola practice, and then a Knights of Columbus meeting. Wednesday was the Feast of the Assumption, so we went to mass at 11:30, and then Jon returned at 7pm for the first Latin Mass at our parish, where he lead the Schola (Latin choir). There was some humor there, because of all days, he woke up with his voice partly missing. Therefore, he wasn't able to do all he was suppose to, but it still ended up okay. Apparently, they had 117 people there, which was more than at the other two masses! Rumor has it Father hopes to make it happen more often. I'm very proud of Jon and do enjoy seeing the enthusiasm he gets from the Latin mass.

Thursday night, my good friend and neighbor and I went out for her birthday. Her husband is deployed, and we've never gone out together, so I decided it was time! Jon was wonderful and watched all 5 kids. I took her to one of my favorite restaurants, an Italian place called Gabriella's. Her reply was "Why have I been putting up with the Macaroni Grill for a year?? This is delicious!" We enjoyed a glass of wine, Spatsele I believe it was, that we both thought was delicious. (I'm not a huge wine fan) I had Tortellini, and her a pasta and shrimp dish. Both were fabulous. Then they gave us a free shot of Apple Schnapps I think she said... Apple something. It was DELICIOUS so my friend asked where we could get it. It was homemade and they didn't sell it. Bummer! Then we decided I needed to show her around some areas off base, as she knows almost nothing of the villages. We ended up at Globus, a German grocery store, at 9:30. She hadn't realized they were opened until 10. There we bought several bottles of different Spatslese wines to try, yet we haven't drank them yet. Another night :)

Tomorrow, I am going to a baby shower for a dear friend here, who many would say is pregnant with a miracle baby. I don't feel comfortable sharing her story without her permission, but many are rejoicing in this little boy she is carrying. I can only stay for an hour, but I'm thankful I get to go. I have to leave early because one of the Legionary of Christ Brothers is coming in to town, for a short stop over at our house for the night. My husband knew him in high school and we got to spend time with him in Rome during Fr. Nathan's ordination. We're very excited about seeing him for a bit and going to mass with him tomorrow evening.

So, there you have it, a bit of the normal "What is going on in our lives."

God bless!

What I'd Do Differently

I have heard it said that the more you fall in love with God, the more you fall in love with your spouse. Recently, I have really found this to be the truth. I have grown so much in Christ over the past year, from being in this incredible, thriving, Catholic community, from going to Rome, and most recently, with the miscarriage. God has greatly used this suffering to draw me closer to Him, and in doing so, I'm finding my love for my husband has greatly increased. This is amazing, and what you need in the midst of suffering.

I have just finished I Will Carry You. It was amazing. Again, I suggest it, really for anyone. It's a quick read. Not necessarily easy emotionally, but quick. And it gives you great perspective for if/when you know someone going through the same.

Following our miscarriage, and this book, I have realized there are some things I would do differently next time. This past pregnancy, I was very quick to start planning for Dec. I was thinking about "What car seat do I need to get since we need a new one...When should I take Abby out of the crib?... Do we need a new one since this one is technically recalled?" I was spending all my time in the future, not thinking and enjoying the present. I'm notoriously guilty of this.

Next time, if we are so blessed, I plan on enjoying the moments as they come. I plan on praying a LOT more for our child. I admit that while I have good intentions, I don't pray for any of our children as much as I would like to/need to. I will pray for the baby much more often. I will not assume I have forever with the child. I will talk to the child a lot in the womb. I remember doing that a lot with our first, but not much with the girls, because I was usually talking to their brother at that time. Next time, I will talk to the baby and have my children talk to the baby a lot.

Yesterday, I realized that right now would be the time we'd be finding out the sex of the baby. That brought a wave of emotions, both good and hard ones. Good because I'm glad God has helped me get through all of this, and He has been my strength and comfort.

Jesus, I Trust in You!

As I said in my last post, I've been reading I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Her husband is Todd Smith, of Selah, a Christian music group. I was reading part of it recently, and it floored me.

Her whole book is a comparison of her grief with the story of Mary and Martha and Lazarus' death. She brings up the point of when Jesus told Martha to move the stone. She didn't immediately move it, trusting that He would bring Lazarus back to life. Instead, she had fear, and said "But Lord, it will stink." (my paraphrase) Angie Smith goes on to say that God comes and we put our hands on the stone, and either have fear or trust.

In her words:

He asked them, and He asks us, to be a part of the miracle. How do we respond to this? Are we distraught over our perceived fears and disappointments that we are paralyzed, or do we trust Him enough to put our hands on the rock? There is no middle ground. Those are our two options: fear or trust.

I was blown away by this, thinking how it is applying to my life. Then yesterday, I was rereading some of my old posts, and came to this one, where I specifically say

I told him (my husband) I'm greatly struggling with this back and forth of fear and trust, asking him to help me and pray for me. I am realizing that this instance, where I have high fear, is exactly where trusting God becomes most evident, where I must say "Not my fear, but Your will, O Lord."

I love how the Lord works. He's working on my heart to trust and not fear, and then he specifically gives me some scripture through a book to meditate on, to see how it relates to trust in the midst of suffering.

I'm reminded of a family we knew living here, who just moved back to the states. Their sweet daughter, Emma, was diagnosed with cancer, and over and over again, they repeat "Jesus, I trust in you." This is something that many of us have really learned from this couple, that no matter the circumstances, just keep repeating "Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in YOU!"

Losing a child

This week, some very close friends of ours asked for prayers. The husband's sister, 27 weeks pregnant, was being flown to the hospital, where they received some devastating news. The baby is missing a valve in her heart, and the blood isn't going where it's suppose to. Please, please pray for baby L and her mom, J and their family.

Hearing about this woman has brought up so many memories for me. It's brought up our recent miscarriage. It brought up my friend, Jobeth, who miscarried right after me. It brought up the loss of my friend, Ann Marie's precious daughter, Gianna. It brought up my friend Lisa, and her beautiful daughter Lucy. It brought up a friend Sarah, who just found out her baby is not developing correctly and is being referred to a specialist. (Since posting this, Sarah has informed everyone that the baby has fetal acrania. Please keep her family in your prayers as well as they navigate the tough road ahead of them too.) It brought up my friend Marcella who just had a miscarriage last week. It brought up another Sarah who's daughter died in college recently. It brought up many, many, many other women I know who have experienced the loss of a child. It made me pray, and pray and pray for these women, and their families, as I know they are all still grieving in some ways.

I finally grabbed a book I've been meaning to read, especially these past few months. I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. If you have experienced the loss of a child, in any way, an early miscarriage, delivering a child knowing what was coming, a SIDS death, a death of an older child, or even if you've known someone who has or is going through it, I recommend this book. It has rocked me. Completely and utterly rocked my world.

Today, God did something beautiful in my life. The day I started bleeding, I knew a lady in our MOPS group was in labor. I had stopped by her house earlier in the day to pick up some maternity clothes she was getting rid of, and she was telling me she was having some contractions. I got home, and about 2 hours later started bleeding.

That evening, I headed to the ER alone. I probably could have had Jon go with me, but I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I'd had a miscarriage before, and didn't think it was necessary for him to go with me. My miscarriage has taught me several things, this being one of them, to ask for help! In the end though, being alone at the ER was what I needed, time to gather my thoughts, to pray and to meditate, to listen to what God needed me to hear.

While in the ER, I couldn't help but think of how this woman was in labor, VERY possibly right above me, delivering her baby while I was in the ER, losing mine. I decided to pray for her, for her labor, that it would be a smooth labor, that there would be a healthy baby and mama in the end. In the Catholic world, we call this offering it up, offering up our suffering to pray for those in need. Many women, while in labor, pray for those experiencing infertility for example. I thought, this was a perfect chance to pray for my friend.

That was 10 weeks ago. I had not met the baby yet. Today, I went to a playdate and they were there. I was dying to hold the sweet little guy for just a moment. I eventually finally asked if I could. I held him for a while, then he started getting fussy, and I stood up and started to rock him, watching his eyes get weary. This is one of my favorite things about babies, watching them snuggle in to you, relaxing, feeling safe, and falling asleep, leaving the wonders of the world behind them, just to trust you at that moment. Somehow, holding this sweet baby I'd been praying for when he arrived, helped me in such an amazing way. I somehow managed to hold the tears back.

The mom ended up asking me how I was doing. No one has really asked that as of lately. I greatly appreciated it and it meant a lot. I was able to share with her a bit, and then shared with her how I'd been praying for her during her labor. The most amazing part of all of this is the family is leaving Germany in just a few days. God... mysterious ways, huh?

If you know of a family who has lost a child, please take the time to pray for them, and often. Don't forget their babies. Always remember them. Let them know you're thinking about them and praying for them, even months or years after they've lost their child. Send them a note, email, text, whatever to let them know you're thinking of them and praying for them. And, I'll say it again, pray for them.

Great thought for a suffering parent

I recently read an article in "Faith and Family Magazine" addressing miscarriage. This thought completely changed my mourning time, and gave me a smile, and a hope. A thought that was so profound, I think it's important to share with others. A thought that may even be appropriate to share with a hurting parent. I wouldn't tell it to them in their first week of suffering maybe, but once they've had some time to grieve.

The thought is this. We are called, as parents, to raise children for God. To make saints for Him, to bring our children to God. And while this child of ours, Jacob, did not live on earth, he is indeed in Heaven, being a saint for God. 

We, in conceiving our child, brought glory to God, and allowed our hearts to be open to bring Him glory, through our son, and through our suffering. While it's been hard, and we are by no means perfect and are greatly hurting, the way we responded, sought after God, used our suffering to join our hearts to Christ, has brought others encouragement in their struggles as well.

I recently told my husband that I'm struggling with knowing that whenever we conceive again, I'll be in fear of a miscarriage the whole time. This makes me not want to get pregnant. But at the same time, I know that I have to trust God. I told him I'm greatly struggling with this back and forth of fear and trust, asking him to help me and pray for me. I am realizing that this instance, where I have high fear, is exactly where trusting God becomes most evident, where I must say "Not my fear, but Your will, O Lord."

We went to daily mass today, and what was the Gospel reading about? Pete stepping out on the water. :) What a perfect example for me, for us. I had goosebumps as the Gospel was read, and tears in my eyes. We may be nervous, and heck, our eyes may fall off of God at times, but God is there, protecting our family, our marriage, and our children, both those here, those in Heaven, and those to come. Our God is good, even when we're struggling.

Little bits of information

If you don't have time to read the whole post, I quickly ask for prayers for our VBS that starts tomorrow. We went for setup today, and it appears Satan is trying to make his way in. Please pray for all the volunteers, to be able to handle what comes our way, and for all the kids, that their hears will be open to hear what God needs and wants them to hear. I am leading 1st grade with several other volunteers, which is a relatively easy task, helping to take the first graders to all their classes.

Lots of little bits of other info to post about today. I made homemade strawberry jam for the first time yesterday. OH.MY.WORD. DELICIOUS!!!! Why haven't I ever done this before? I just may start to can things!! I love the idea of knowing what's in it. I just wish that I could grow the stuff I want to can.

In other news, we're not moving in to the previously mentioned house. Things just weren't working out like we'd hoped, and we have decided to at least wait until the new year and reevaluate it then. This will put us in a much better spot financially. (We're THISCLOSE to having our car paid off, leaving just my student loan, which should take less than a year, meaning thisclose to being debt free ;-))

Aside from that, Jon is really working to apply for Officer Training School. This is something we have gone back and forth on throughout our marriage, but until now, the stars haven't aligned completely correctly. However, before he can apply, he has to lose some major weight. He has already lost almost 10 lbs, so he's on the right road.

I'm also trying to lose weight. I REALLY struggle with emotional eating, and between hating it when we first moved here, feeling the winter blues, and the miscarriage, I've gained 15 lbs since moving here. However, unlike Jon, I've dropped 0 lbs so far. Why is it men can drop weight so quickly?? We have started to play tennis every so often though together, which is really fun and gets us working out, together, in a fun way.

We're also working on potty-training Miss Abigayle. She's doing great at holding it, but I can tell she doesn't know how to release it. It became incredibly evident when she just wouldn't go, wouldn't go, wouldn't go. Then she threw a tantrum over something between her and daddy, that she forgot to hold it and wet herself while screaming. We'll take a break during VBS this week and try again next week.

Jon's been very busy with intramural softball. The season is now over, and I'm honestly very glad! He was gone 2-3 nights a week with it, and it will be nice to have my husband home in the evenings again. He also changed jobs some what. He's in the same office, doing the same thing for the most part, but just his position changed. It's complicated to explain, and I probably shouldn't online ;-) But in short, we think it's a good change and will be great for his career.

We're also making major plans for traveling. H and I are going to Europa Park soon. It's to meet some of my friends and Jon wasn't that interested in going, so I said I'd go alone, and decided to take her with me to spend some time together. Then we'll be going to Austria for about a week, where Jon's brother, Father Nathan will be. We're excited to see him again, and see some places in Salzburg and Vienna. In October, my parents are coming. I'm very excited to see them, and we're making plans for Paris, including the Eiffel Tower and Disneyland. It's nice to finally be making some travel plans, now that Jon can get off work a bit.

Wednesday will be two months since the miscarriage. It's hard to believe it's already been two months. I've been dealing with some anger issues regarding it, but I think the Lord has been helping me through this. I haven't turned to Him as much as I should, but I can tell He's still been there and is still helping me. I'm sure the prayers of others have played a huge part as well.

Some have asked if we'll try again soon. We're leaving that up to God, knowing He is in control of my heart, but hoping to avoid a pregnancy for now. I need some time still, but not sure how much time I will need all together. Thankfully we are able to pray about it every month, and see where we are and reevaluate our desires and go from there. Life has gotten so busy, and the baby fever I had like crazy is not there right now. I enjoy holding my friends' babies and putting them to sleep in my arms, but it's not like i have the "Oh, I want one!" feeling like I did 4 months ago. Amazing how our hearts can change, and it's completely okay.  I get times where I think "Oh, I want another one." but as I think more, I know that right now is not the right time. Besides, I'd really like to drop the weight I've put on since getting here before getting pregnant again. I've struggled losing weight a lot, so we'll see how that goes....

As everyone knows, the Olympics are on. Unfortunately, we get US channels (normally whatever you're watching on Monday night, we get to watch on Tuesday night, after it's aired.) I think we're getting it the same time the US is, but that means that what you get in the evening, we get while we're asleep. So I'm missing all the great ones, like swimming and gymnastics! And my mom suggested NBC.com, but unfortunately, since we have a German IP address, we're considered international and cannot watch the shows on NBC's website. So, it seems I'm missing a lot of the Olympics this year :( I'm bummed as I really like the summer Olympics. I think Jon's happy though, as he couldn't care less. We grew up watching them and he did not. I want H to see the gymnastics though. I watched them at 9pm and thought "I can see H watching this, then mimicking it and dancing around like them" heehee.

With all of this going on, I need to head to bed. I must actually get up at 7am and get the kids up then as well, so we can leave by 8am all week. We're not use to that in the least (the earliest we ever have to be anywhere is 9:30 ;-)) Again, please keep VBS in your prayers if you will. Thank you, good night, and God bless!

Life in Deutschland

I updated pretty recently, but a lot has been going on! This past Saturday, I felt we really needed a day away, doing something in this great country, alone as a family. So, we went to Luisenpark. It was a huge park, with a lot of playgrounds, animals, beer, dirt (for Z), and much more. It was a very relaxing day and we all had a lot of fun. In fact, Zach has asked several times when we're going back. :) Here are a few pictures of the day, including the fact that we hit 100 in our Sienna minivan going down the autobahn.

 The girls playing in one of the small wooden houses.

 Sisters.

 Daddy and son fun- digging with an excavator. 

 Pictures of me! Rarely happens. Me and Z.

 H and I.

 Me and my man. :) Complements of Z. 

 Siblings.

 Then on Sunday, we hosted a going away party for our good friends, the T's. The party was suppose to be outside at the park, but we woke up to pouring rain, so it got moved in to our house. Jon and I had fun quickly cleaning everything in an hour, and the party was very nice. We are so sad to see the T's leave, especially after knowing them such a short time, but are so glad to have known them, and known the example they've been in our lives. Here is a picture of me on the left, with three of my closest girl friends here.

 Then came the 4th of July. Being in a foreign country, where July 4 is just like July 3 and 5, you don't have many options for festivities. However, given it's a military community, we like to celebrate the 4th of July. So, the base had a 4th of July festival, with tons of food provided by all the units around base, a few carnival rides, bouncy houses, and best of all, fireworks. They did the fireworks in the outfield of the baseball field, and we were basically just on the other side of the gate. Perfect seats. Z and A loved it, but H- our middle child- insisted on my husband's hands being on her ears the whole time. They were beautiful and seriously, I think they were the best fireworks display I've ever seen, lasting 30 minutes. Z kept asking "Are they done?" and then more would shoot off. He enjoyed them, but was more interested in things like "Why are they coming back down? Oh no! They're landing on the ground/trees/dugout! Is there going to be a fire? Where are they coming from?" Silly boy! Here's some fun pictures from the day.

 First time face painting!

 Then we loaded all the kids up at the end, and strong hubby pulled them home, but dear H just couldn't make it. She fell over like this, sound asleep on the way back. Baby sister kept yelling her name, trying to wake her up. It was so cute since it's just recently that she can say big sister's full name. 

It was a great 4th of July. 

It has been just over a month since the miscarriage. I'm still trying to get the final bloodwork that I have completely miscarried. I went in today, and for the second time, the lab was closed. I may try to go tomorrow, but with it being closed for 2 days, open one, then closed for 2 more over the weekend, I'm not sure I want to deal with the crowd. We're doing ok. I think that was the beginning of a lot of things for us, and we're having our ups and downs, day to day, and even hour to hour. 

The house that we were excited about, we're not so sure it's going to work out. And, neither of us is at peace now about it. Some things would have to fall in to place that aren't for us to find peace. We've talked about continuing to look, but we think we may just wait until the new year. We're in a wait and pray time right now. In the mean time, I've done a major purge of toys and lots of other things, hoping that we won't feel so cramped in here, and that the messes won't get as big.

I did some sewing this week, finally got the girls matching sheets! I'm super excited and hope to post pictures soon. I am also working on ordering pictures from our time here in Germany, with the hopes of putting together an album. Starting 9 months ago seems a lot easier for now than starting 5 yrs ago, since that's how far behind I am ;-) I also have a few other craft projects I'm hoping/planning to work on soon, which is good and my 'therapy'. That's everything I can think of for now! :) God bless!

Housing

I think I've said before, maybe a few times, that we have really been struggling with the apartment we live in on base. We REALLY struggle with it. It's small, tight, on the 2nd floor (but really more like the 3rd because there's a full flight of stairs to the first floor), it smells, our poor neighbor below us hears everything, etc. We've gone back and forth on should we move off base or not. I had finally come to a point where i said "We'll just stay here, and I'll practice/work on being more content with what God has given us."

This week, I got an email. We had bought a table from a woman on an online 'craigslist' type of website when we first moved to Germany. We both loved her home and told the couple if they moved, we'd love to know! I thought she'd told us they were moving in July, so I never tried to contact her about the house, because we can't move off base until Oct. So, this week, I got an email from the woman saying they're PCSing at the end of Aug., and the landlord will need to do some maintenance work before anyone moved in, would we be interested.

I got very excited and called Jon. He said "We'll take it. Without even looking, we'll take it." I said umm, wait... I don't think so. We need to look at it. Come to find out, last week, he had prayed and told God "I want to move off base, but it's just such a struggle and so difficult to find a place, I dont want to go through that hassle. So, we'll be content with where we are, but if you want us to move off base, please drop something in to our laps." I immediately got goosebumps, and worked on setting up a time to see the place.

We went there tonight. It's gorgeous. Five bedrooms, 2 baths, 2 parking spots, and best of all... a yard!!! Modern, somewhat American kitchen. Can hold more than two people like our current kitchen barely can. I know our 10 person table will fit in the dining room because they had it in their before ;-) And even, a room off the den we can use as a playroom. It's basically 4 stories, the basement is a laundry room and storage room, which Jon could use as a woodwork room. Then the main floor has kitchen, bath with shower, dining room, den, patio with backyard, and what would likely be a playroom and maybe homeschool room. Upstairs has 4 bedrooms, the master one is huge compared to what we currently have. And the bathroom has a tub, shower, and two sinks. I'd be willing to share the bathroom with the kids, especially with a separate shower and two sinks. The landlord lives behind the house, and has a nice garden, and apparently offered them a section if they wanted to garden, but they turned it down.

Anyway, we now wait. The couple living there will talk to their landlord this week hopefully and mention we're interested. We'll talk to the base housing and see what is required, how soon we can move out, etc. We really feel like this is from God, completely putting it in our laps. Please pray for us that all will come through fine, as we don't want to get our hopes up and dashed. We wouldn't be moving in until Sept or Oct.

Drawing Closer to Him

I can't believe it's been 2 and a half weeks since our miscarriage. It still seems like it was just the other day. We are moving on, but it is still heavy on our thoughts.

We've been struggling, a lot. I've uttered words, to our friends, that I regret. This is hard to discuss, because I know I have many Catholic readers, but I also have many non-Catholic readers who likely don't understand my faith completely, don't understand why I ever left the Protestant church and faith I grew up in. I don't want to offend, or hurt anyone and their faith. I've said many times, I think all Christian denominations can lead to heaven, I just think the Catholic faith has so many more things to make you holier and get you closer to God. Are we not called to be like Jesus? In the Catholic faith, we have all of the Sacraments that bring you closer to Him, and we have the Eucharist, where we can partake in His suffering.

One of the issues in our family causing a fair amount of strife will make some Catholics laugh, and others, anyone really, to say "I can see why there's strife over that." My husband grew up in a VERY traditional, conservative Catholic family... Homeschooling, 14 children, Latin mass, praying the rosary nightly, etc. What more do you think of when you think of a very Catholic family?

We knew from the beginning of our marriage that we wanted a large family (but knew God was in control of that) but not large in comparison to his family. We figured like 5 kids, but open to what God had for us. My husband knew we'd homeschool. It wasn't until we had kids that I knew the same.

But Latin mass. Oh heck-to-the-no. That was NOT something I was willing to do. But I knew my husband loved and missed it. When we were in CO, I became willing to attend the Latin Mass (TLM) for one Sunday a month. I really didn't want to, but knowing he was the head of our home and missing it greatly, I was willing. For some reason, it never did happen.

When we moved here, we learned the closest Latin mass was about an hour away. I wasn't willing to go there, and I don't think he was/is. However, we have a very traditional, wonderful priest here, who has been talking to people and finding out that there is a desire for TLM here. I didn't believe it'd come about.

Long story short, and lots of personal details left out, our priest is trying to get the first Latin mass said here in our military community (With an English instead of German homily) for Aug 15, the Assumption of Mary, with my husband as the choir leader. I went crazy, to say the least. Mad at my husband, mad in a way at our priest, mad at the Catholic Church, not even wanting to go to Adoration and pray before the Blessed Sacrament, I even started saying "I hate TLM, I hate the rosary." As I said in my last post, Satan was using the emotions that were here from the miscarriage in our marriage. To me, this was a BIG problem, and to come right on the heals of our miscarriage, I was completely broken by this.

It took me several days to discover the root of my problems. There were a lot of roots. Hurt from the miscarriage, Anger and fear from the miscarriage and other things. Then I began to feel like God was calling me to a holier life, but dang, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was ANGRY at the Church over things, ANGRY about TLM, angry about the rosary. The last thing I wanted to do was to do things that were "more Catholic". I just wanted to wallow in my sorrow and anger.

After many conversations together, I was telling my husband "I've grown so angry, that I can't even pray any more. I was in the shower, and would get about 5 words out, out loud, and couldn't pray any more." Immediately, the phone rang, asking us to pray for a friend on the way to the ER. Immediately, my husband and I sat down and started praying what I'd been claiming I hated... the rosary. Somehow, even though I don't enjoy the rosary necessarily, sitting there, meditating on the Sorrowful mysteries with my husband, brought out a wave of emotions, especially surrounding everything we had and were going through. And somehow, the next day, while driving for 40 minutes alone, I was able to pray again. It was like a huge weight was lifted.

I came in and told my husband. "I think I know why I don't want to do TLM. And you're going to laugh, but please don't." I went on to tell him that when I think about very devout Catholics, they homeschool, use Natural Family Planning, have large families because they love each other and can't stay away when they're bodies crave each other, go to daily mass, pray the rosary all the time, study the Saints, go to Latin mass, wear skirts all the time, and all these other stereotypical things. And honestly, usually, most people see them as WEIRD! And well, I just don't want to be WEIRD!

He did his best to stifle the laughter. He really did. He said well, out of most of those, there's about 3 that we don't do... YET. And I'll never say you have to wear skirts every day, so we'll ignore that one. He said So, what's wrong with all of that? And I repeated "Most people see them as weird. I don't want to be WEIRD!!"

But since then, God has placed a lot on my heart.... He has pointed out what others thought of him as "King of the Jews", how they mocked him and persecuted Him. He has shown me all these things (Well, not ALL, but many) bring me closer to Him, and that He is calling me, drawing me nearer to Him. He's asked me "If these things are available, to get to know ME better, Aimee, why wouldn't you use them? They're for my glory, to bring you to me." I tried to tell Him that I didn't have the time, that I barely have time to keep up on the housework, teach my children, heck, I don't even work out which I desperately need to do. And he replied "But, aren't you suppose to do everything for Me? Do that housework for me, it'll bring us closer. As much as you hate it, work out for me, to take care of the body I've given you. It'll bring us closer."

So, i'm not saying I'm ok to the Latin mass yet, but I am saying God's softening my heart. And maybe I'll do it, and I'll do my best to do it with a joyful heart. Thankfully I have 2 months to find the joyfulness. My husband wants to 'teach' TLM to me, but I"m not sure how i feel about that. I mean, I still haven't learned German. I do NOT like cultural changes/language differences. It's just NOT my cup of tea. And I know that's why I'm fighting it a lot too. In the mean time, I will do my best to continue to seek after God, and pray that my heart is open to what he wants from me, to bring us closer together.

And to end with, I have been listening to this 1 hour audio CD by Jeff Cavins: 15 Things to Do in the Midst of Suffering. If you're suffering in any way, I STRONGLY recommend it. I was amazed at some of the things he said, that we actually followed throughout our suffering, and some that I thought "Wow, I wish I had known/thought of that before.

How to handle a friend's miscarriage

I had a friend ask me today "What should we do?" regarding how to help me following my miscarriage. I realized it was a great question, and until you go through one, you really don't know what to do. So here is what *I* needed and helped me.

Honestly, I wanted to be left alone. The face-to-face sympathy, while it's appreciated, made me feel VERY uncomfortable. So personally, I just wanted to stay home for a week or so to avoid that. During that time, I personally took a lot of time to pray and seek God. I also used that time to reclaim the mess in my house. I had let it go, because the first trimester makes me so tired, that I'd nap when the kids napped, which is when I usually clean house. So I took my anger and grief, and focused it on my house.

As for friends, I greatly appreciated the "I'm sorry"s, hugs and prayers via the internet. They did mean a lot. And honestly, the prayers were the greatest. They really helped me through I think.

As for a way to actually show me the support, there were two things that took place. One friend told me "I'm bringing you dinner tomorrow. Is this time good?" That was really appreciated because I am not the type to say yes to offers, but if you're just telling me you're doing it, I won't tell you don't. I felt bad, because I really didn't need the meal, I was having no problem cooking, but God placed it on my heart that I give to others so much, let them give back to me. And that meal, for 2 nights, was greatly appreciated.

The other was a friend who said "Hey, want me to come watch your kids for an hour or two while you go to the Blessed Sacrament Chapel and pray before the Eucharist?" This is something I've never actually done, but I knew some time away from my house, away from my other children, to think and pray, would be very good and healing. And it was.

So, that was how I handled the healing, and what I needed or what helped me.

With that said, if you're still up for praying for us, please do. I am very tired and warn out it seems, probably from not getting enough sleep. Satan knows we're struggling, and he's using that to his full advantage in our marriage. Thank you.