Called to Serve

I mentioned in my last post that a common theme on my heart lately has been the things of this world and the spiritual things that truly matter. There has also been something else that I'm really working on: Being a servant. In my home. I have known for a while that my spiritual gift was serving, but had never paid attention to using that gift at home until recently.

Two weeks ago, I went on a women's retreat, where the theme was "Divine Mercy". I learned a lot from this retreat (more at another time) but one of the stories that stuck with me was this. I believe it was St. Faustina, but I could be wrong. (Told to the best of my memory)

One night, she had gotten in to her pajamas and gotten in her bed, when her roommate said "Sister, would you get me a drink?" She got back up, got dressed again, and put her boots on. There was no kitchen in their house (convent) so she trucked across the muddy grounds to the kitchen and got the sister a drink. But then she realized that she had tracked mud in to the kitchen, so she had to clean it up as well. Then she got back to the bedroom with the drink, and there was Jesus. He told her "Whatever you do to the least of these, you do for me."

This struck me so hard. All I could think of was my husband. Many times we get in bed and he asks me "Will you turn off the lights?... will you go cover the kids up?.. Will you go check to see why the child is crying?" And so often, I say these same things, and many times, he does them for me, and I don't do them for him. After the retreat, my goal was to be more of a servant to my spouse.

However, this weekend, we were so incredibly blessed to go on a marriage retreat. In doing so, we talked about our children and how they apply to our marriage a lot. I realized there are many things I don't do for our kids, because well, I don't want to. I don't like it. I'm lazy. It's boring. It's gross. I hate doing it, etc. etc. But that's NOT what God has called me to do. If my children are not the "Least of these" then who are? Oh man, I have so much work to do! My new prayer is "Lord, please remind me to be a servant to others, so in doing so I will serve you."

And amazingly enough, as I was working on this, this video came across my feed. Sums it up perfectly.

Anxiety and schedules

I read this verse and 3 short paragraphs over my coffee yesterday morning. I laughed thinking "Yeah Lord, I know, I often get anxious about things, but I think I'm pretty cool right now thankfully! Please keep it that way. :)"

My day progressed much like many others- minus the dentist appointment- and by the end, I sat down to my desk to do some work. It's the end of July, and that means school should be starting back soon. But I am not in the slightest bit ready. I've been freaking out and avoiding it. I finally cleaned the school room, organized my desk and bookshelves, and ordered a planner. Well, two planners. Because when I'm overwhelmed, I apparently avoid and do everything but the task I need to do. So last night, I sat down and started mapping out our schedule for the year.

Last year, I did not do this. We were very free-flowing last year. Meaning every day was "Do 2 pages of math, 2 pages of English- sure, you can do extra if you want.- etc" It worked, but adding another kid to our school routine, and life being a lot different now, including my husband being here, I know I need a plan for the year. I sat down.

Math for #1 planned for the year. Check. Math for #2 for the year. Check. I'll come back to #3 when I find her math book. English for #1 and #2. Check. Religion for #1 and 2. Check. Ok, now what? History? Well, I have a lot to do to prepare for that, i'll come back. I then looked around to find the other school books I ordered. Nothing. OH MY! It's the end of July and I haven't ordered all our school books!!! Problem is, I started looking about 2 months ago, and got overwhelmed trying to figure out what to use, that I walked away, with plans to come back. I just didn't expect those plans to be at the end of July!

I felt so upset with myself, so mad. And so worried about planning the coming year, more so than I had before. I went to bed, my husband telling me it'd work out. "Yeah, easy for you to say. This is the point where I want to get mad at you, because you insisted we homeschool." Yeah, that's an honest thought that crosses my mind about once a year, when I know in reality I wanted to just as much as he did. He just said it way before I was ready, so I want to play the blame game. I mostly avoided last night- I told him I wanted to say it, but I know it's not true. ;-)

As I climbed in to bed, I heard a small voice. "Anxiety weighs down the human heart..." OH MY! Hello God! I haven't heard you that clearly in a long time, and I am totally hearing you more lately. Thank you! Ok, you're right. Lord, this area of my life worries me. I offer it to you. Your will be done. and asleep I fell.

I woke up today, knowing I needed to work on lesson planning more, while I was still in the mood, and order books! I wanted to find a chart I had printed last year, and will be using this year. I went searching. In the mean time, I found some wonderful blog posts that I needed to read. One on Decision Fatigue and one on how to not suffer from that fatigue. Low and behold, the second one mentioned having some kind of schedule.

This is where God is funny right now. He's telling me to get a schedule in our life. I hate the idea. Here's how he's told me. I randomly picked up A Mother's Rule of Life. I haven't finished it, but it's given me some serious thought. She, like me, was very opposed to a schedule, but she realized she needed one. She makes good points that God has called me to this vocation, and I should not be wasting that and should be doing it to the best of my abilities, in all areas- holiness, motherhood, wife, homemaker, teacher, etc. Then I was reading the daily missal, and there was a devotional on scheduling. Then I was reading my personal morning devotional, again, on scheduling. Then a friend mentioned something about a schedule, and today, I read the two posts above.

I remember learning from my Sunday School teacher in high school that if God tells you something once or twice, you should listen, but if it's THREE times, He's knocking you on the head to get you to list. I KNOW God's calling me to create a schedule for our family. Not strict and by the books, but more along the lines of "school starts at 9am" or "After breakfast, everyone cleans up, brushes teeth and hair, makes beds." etc,

My problem, and why I still haven't, is I feel overwhelmed at the thought and not sure where to start. Oh? Did I already talk about that in this post? "Anxiety weighs down the human heart, but a good word cheers it up." Lord, this area of my life worries me. I offer it to you. Your will be done. Let me add this time Please show me how to create a schedule for our lives that will work well within our family, provide peace and harmony, and bring us closer to You. Amen. 

If you don't mind, pray for me, as I try to make this work. And that I can find the time to create it.

Great thought for a suffering parent

I recently read an article in "Faith and Family Magazine" addressing miscarriage. This thought completely changed my mourning time, and gave me a smile, and a hope. A thought that was so profound, I think it's important to share with others. A thought that may even be appropriate to share with a hurting parent. I wouldn't tell it to them in their first week of suffering maybe, but once they've had some time to grieve.

The thought is this. We are called, as parents, to raise children for God. To make saints for Him, to bring our children to God. And while this child of ours, Jacob, did not live on earth, he is indeed in Heaven, being a saint for God. 

We, in conceiving our child, brought glory to God, and allowed our hearts to be open to bring Him glory, through our son, and through our suffering. While it's been hard, and we are by no means perfect and are greatly hurting, the way we responded, sought after God, used our suffering to join our hearts to Christ, has brought others encouragement in their struggles as well.

I recently told my husband that I'm struggling with knowing that whenever we conceive again, I'll be in fear of a miscarriage the whole time. This makes me not want to get pregnant. But at the same time, I know that I have to trust God. I told him I'm greatly struggling with this back and forth of fear and trust, asking him to help me and pray for me. I am realizing that this instance, where I have high fear, is exactly where trusting God becomes most evident, where I must say "Not my fear, but Your will, O Lord."

We went to daily mass today, and what was the Gospel reading about? Pete stepping out on the water. :) What a perfect example for me, for us. I had goosebumps as the Gospel was read, and tears in my eyes. We may be nervous, and heck, our eyes may fall off of God at times, but God is there, protecting our family, our marriage, and our children, both those here, those in Heaven, and those to come. Our God is good, even when we're struggling.

Respecting Your Elders

"Respect your elders." This is an age-old saying. In the past few weeks, this lesson has really challenged me in a few different situations. I have thought about the fact that I am in my late twenties. When do I get to stop respecting my elders and start defending myself and others around me?

I asked some other women I know, and many of them said that they hate the idea of respect your elders. You should not pay respect just because someone is older and wiser. Instead, you should give respect to everyone. Respect is also earned. It was also determined that there is a difference between standing up for yourself and being disrespectful. The question then lies, what is considered disrespectful? Where is the line drawn?

I asked because of situations I was in. However, the discussion has made me question the thought of respecting your elders and made me consider that maybe it's not a thought I want to teach to my children, but rather I want to teach them to respect all. I want them to feel like they are able to speak up if they feel something is wrong or they are being treated unfairly, but I want to teach them how to do it with respect. It also hammered in to me that I need to be treating my children with respect.

When the topic of "respect your elders" comes up, I'm reminded of a story from my childhood. When I was around 14 years old, I would babysit for my aunt. Almost every time, my grandmother would ask me if my aunt had paid me for babysitting, and would sometimes use it against my aunt. I got tired of being asked, and as respectfully as I possibly could, once told her "Nanny, thank you for your help, but honestly, I don't think it's any of your business." I was in so much trouble. I think that was the one and only time I've truly been on my grandmother's list (a true accomplishment). My mom was upset with me, and I was the talk amongst all the relatives. I was so scared saying it, but so relieved when I never got asked again. I truly felt it was worth it and it was the right thing to do.

Today I have realized that I don't want my children to feel that kind of pressure. If they are in a situation like I was, I either want them to feel okay to speak up, or to feel like they can come to my husband or I and ask for our help. I never felt that way in the situation above. I'm glad that I asked some other women about their thoughts on respecting your elders, because it's made me review this aspect of parenting.

If you are up for praying, please pray for family dynamics and situations surrounding my family at the moment. Also, please continue to pray for the situation I recently posted about. I amazed how I am still freaking out a small amount, but I have some peace and am really just trying to ignore the whole situation and trust God with it all. But prayers are still very welcomed. Thanks!

"The Eyes"

Yesterday, my children and I set out alone on a 300 mile trip. We had to drive almost 3 hours away to go to a military appointment, that lasted less than 30 minutes. Doesn't that sound like fun? So, I had things planned out to make it easier and thought I'd share my tips of traveling alone with three under four.

First and foremost, use it as an opportunity for special treats, things they don't get often. Because let's admit it, being strapped in a car seat for six hours is not fun at all. Therefore, I pulled the portable DVD players out of storage and hooked them up. Hannah picked a movie on the way there, Zach one on the way back. That blessed us with Beauty and the Beast (The extended edition ;-)) and Mickey's Christmas DVD. Then I took my stereo and faded it to the front and plugged in my ipod, listening to anything I wanted (instead of ABC's) the whole way. Abigayle napped most of the time. Four happy people.

I also packed the potty chair in case one of them had to go immediately. That would avoid having to unbuckle all three and take them in to a bathroom. Thankfully I did not end up needing it.

Then, we had to eat lunch, so we had two choices. My favorite, and healthier option, Chic Fila, or what the kids really wanted, Mc Donalds. I decided to let them pick, because then the chance was they'd eat better and I wouldn't have to hear they were hungry down the road. I got them out, put Abby in the sling (Seriously, if you have 3 very little ones, you MUST own a sling. That's my biggest tip), held Hannah's hand and Zach held hers, and walked inside, heading straight for the bathrooms.

That's when it started... "the eyes". Everyone staring at us... not sure if it's me, or them. Not sure if it's because they are noticing the three cutest kids in the world for the first time, or if it's because they're looking at me. And if they're looking at me, is it because my fly's undone? My bra showing? Or my whole boob somehow exposed because of the sling hanging off my shoulder? Are they thinking "God bless her"? Are they thinking "That poor woman" or "Where's her husband?" Or are they thinking "I hope she's on birth control now." (Yes, that's been asked to me before, so it's possible people are thinking it.) And if they're looking at the three cute kids, I'm hoping they're not thinking about their behavior (although, they were EXCELLENT).

I have always been one to worry about what others think. It is one of my down falls and one my husband teases me about. At least I know it's a problem. And yet, yesterday, I decided to say I don't care about the eyes! I decided I had three beautiful children attached to me, minding me very well, and eating their lunch perfectly. I couldn't ask for more, I couldn't be any more proud. Who cared what anyone else thought. In my mind, I decided everyone was thinking "What beautiful, well behaved kids! That woman is blessed." I left feeling very happy and thankful.

But back to my tips. Pick the handicap toilet stall, even if it means waiting for it. That's the only way to get all four of you in. And if some handicap person has a problem with it, too bad. They can wait just like anyone else would wait in a regular stall. ;-) Get everyone to use the bathroom, no matter what. Then everyone wash hands- that does take some juggling since they can't usually reach the sink. That's the good thing about having one in a sling, your hands are free to help.

Order something you can eat while helping children eat. I ordered the two cheeseburger meal for the kids. Gave them each a cheeseburger, a medium fry to split, and a drink to share. I absolutely abhor kids meal toys, so that avoided having to get those as well, and was cheaper. Make sure you grab everything you need-straws, napkins, salt, ketchup, plasticwear, etc.

Then, while this sounds nasty, try to sit near a trashcan, and near the high chairs. If you need, ask the employee if they can bring the food to your table for you. You wont have enough hands for all your children, led alone for the food too. (This is something I do love about Chic Fila, they always offer to bring my food for me.) I did use the older two as help. They both carried the drinks, Zachary got the high chair, and they held each others' hands. Get the older two seated and put the baby in. Then, when your meal is complete, you can throw the trash away while everyone is still in their seats and you have two free hands.

Overall, the trip was a complete success in the manners of me going on a long trip with three alone. Which is great, since I'll be doing it again in two weeks. Thankfully that will be four hours one day, four hours another. The most amazing thing is that in the situations like this, where I'm tempted to feel overwhelmed, I remain much more calm and do a better job in parenting. Maybe that's how Michelle Duggar is always calm!

The "or not" part

So, in my last post, I said how I’ve decided to walk away from spankings for the most part. After I became a mom, I never really wanted to use them. However, I got to a point where I did them out of desperation. But I’m really realizing they are not working and am reevaluating some of my parenting techniques. Amazing how we think we have one parenting aspect down, then we must relearn or change our methods.

I’ll start with redirection. I think in the very early years, this is a great choice. My daughter is 9 months old. She is very much in to things, especially paper. If I pop her hand (lightly, trying to teach her not to do it) and say no, she looks at me, laughs, and does it again. Over, and over, and over, and over again. She does not stop. Maybe she even thinks we’re playing a game. However, if I pick her up and move her away from the situation and the paper, she won’t come back to it. I don’t think a 9 month old fully understands that meaning of no yet. So until then, I have to use other options.

Another example of redirection and of using time outs is my 2 and a half year old daughter. When she gets upset, her method of expressing herself is screaming at the top of her lungs. I’m normally not a fan of sending kids to their room, but for her it works. She stands at the door until she gets the screaming out of her system, then comes out a different person. By being in her room with the door closed, she’s not hurting our ears. If I were to spank her, she’d just escalate and we’d get no where. When she comes out, I ask her if she feels better, does she know why she was sent to her room, and I make her apologize for throwing a tantrum and hurting everyone’s ears. In fact, she has gotten to the point that when she starts to scream, she goes to her room on her own, which shows me that I’ve taught her well that screaming is not allowed where it hurts other people’s ears. I would love to eventually teach her how to breathe and stay calm, but she goes from zero to full tantrum in a second with no time to coach her otherwise, so for the time, this method works for our family.

I wish I could say how I’ve handled this in public, but I only remember once. We were in the church parking lot and she flipped out about something. She was standing by the van and started stomping and screaming. I got in my seat in the car and sat down, watching her out of my mirror (to make sure she was safe, but to not let her know she was getting my attention doing it.) I got tons of looks, some of “Why is that mom letting her do that?” and some were looks of sympathy. We’ll just say that I have gotten to a point where I don’t care what others say or thing or even how they look at me. I do what works for my children. And I get enough encouragement when they are usually well-behaved to make up for the sour people.

She eventually climbed in to her seat, still screaming. My son told me she was hurting his ears. I told him I was sorry, that I was sure she’d be done in a minute. Sure enough, she decided she was done soon after that. So we had a discussion about how I will not tolerate stomping feet and tantrums like that. I think she also lost out on a privilege later that day. But, it has not happened since. (Knock on wood!)

For my son, who is four months shy of turning four, time outs work. He is also very sensitive, so if he hears mommy’s upset, he tends to correct his actions. He is also in a “WHY?” phase. I use to think this stage would drive me up the wall, but instead, I take each time he asks as a teaching moment. Looking at it that way makes it much more bearable. I can’t think of an overall form of discipline that works for him. Most of it depends on the situation. For example, if I can’t get him to nap, sometimes I put him in someone else’s bed. This is likely a form of redirection. I did try spankings for a long time, but they just never worked. He’d get spanked and within one minute, he was up playing again. Moving him away from his toys has a much better effect and brings about the desired goal, him sleeping.

So, my point of yesterday’s post and today’s is there are many forms of discipline. What works for some parents, doesn’t work for others. What works for some kids doesn’t work for others. In fact, I remember my brothers getting spankings, and they’d laugh or keep doing what they were suppose to. I remember spankings had a HUGE impact on me, and I rarely did something that would require a spanking because I hated them that much. So, it all depends on the parents, the kids, and the action that needs discipline. I think the best answer is find what works for your family, be consistent (I honestly struggle with this), don’t worry about what others think, and above all, love your children.

Kids need a good spanking...or not

I was recently hanging out with some friends, none of which have kids yet, aside from ones in utero, and it took me back to before I had kids and my common idea of “Kids need a good spanking. Time outs and redirection are stupid.” I remember saying things very similar. And then… I had kids. And so, when I walked away from that conversation, I felt bothered. I felt like I should have spoken up more, but then I felt they wouldn’t understand until they had kids of their own.

With kids of my own, especially three in 35 months, I discovered that each child is different, and each action that requires discipline is different. Spanking is not the end-all answer for discipline. I have never been anti-spanking. However, before my husband deployed, I did not spank often because I didn’t know how. My spankings were weak, and my children did not care one bit if I gave one. (Granted being very pregnant also made spankings difficult.) My husband and spankings, I remember those being a different story.

But in the past year, my children have gotten older. They have a lot more learning, a lot more disobedience, and require a lot more discipline. These are forming years for them. I’ve realized that when I use discipline, I want to help them understand what the right thing to do is. I want them to learn that X is wrong, and instead we should do Y. Spanking doesn’t necessarily facilitate that. Spanking says “You did X, it was wrong, here’s a punishment.” When do you teach them that they should do Y instead? Also, what do you do when in public? I want consequences to be equal, whether at home or in public.

I’ve also learned that many of the times I spank, I do it out of anger, and sometimes take it too far. I feel that spanking is completely wrong in those situations. Therefore, I feel, for me, I should not be spanking as much as I was.

And the ultimate reason I’ve started spanking less? My kids laugh. Or they scream until I walk out of the room, and then they immediately stop to tell each other to get out of bed. In other words, spankings are doing absolutely no good in our home as of lately.

And all of a sudden, being in a conversation with a bunch of non-parents, I was laughing thinking back to how I use to say “Kids need a good spanking” and then realizing that I’m rarely spanking any more.

I think the right phrase is really “Kids need loving parents who use discipline to help teach their children,” as discipline can come in many forms.

So I’ve been searching out other methods to add to my parenting toolbox…Which I will explain in future posts, as this one has gotten pretty long already :)

Be organized again

Last night I was in the shower, taking much overdue care of myself, you know, shaving the hair that was so long I could braid it and scraping the dead skin off my feet? Please tell me I'm not the only mom who's been there before...

Anyway, while I was in the shower, I got to thinking how a year ago, I was so organized. I showered every morning, I shaved every Wednesday and Sunday morning, made dinner most nights, stayed on top of the dishes and housework, went to playgroup every Wednesday morning and MOPS every Thursday morning and Bible study on Monday or Tuesday mornings, spent naps being productive, was on top of all the laundry. Even when I was pregnant, my husband would bring it up for me, but it was washed and put away pretty quickly.

Then I got to wondering... did it all stop because I moved in with my parents? Or because my third child joined our little family? I also wondered if my life would ever be organized again and resemble any sort of 'schedule'. Since we plan on homeschooling, I sure hope so! I have high hopes that when we get back together as a family and get our 'own home' again, I'll get back to what I like 'normal' to look like.

Anyway, my middle child, Hannah, almost two and a half, has said some funny and sweet things lately. My favorite is "Hannah, where did you get your pretty curls from?" With a sweet, sincere, proud smile, she says "From daddy" :) Funny thing is I have very curly hair and daddy has a shaved head, that is actually straight.

Another gem is my oldest, Zach, got his tonsils removed on Tuesday. Hannah went to preschool yesterday morning, and came home with a sticker on her forehead. She said the sticker was for Zach. She gave it to him. He smiled and said "Thank you Hannah" and she said "You're welcome" then walked up and planted a big kiss on his lips and gave him a hug :)

And the final one, while watching the Royal Wedding this morning, she caught a glimpse of Her Majesty, the Queen, and said "Mommy! There's Great Nanny!" In all fairness, they do look fairly similar. She was also so excited to see "a real Princess". I know she technically isn't yet, but try telling that to a 2 year old. :)