Denial and little acceptance

Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, that's for sure. This whole week has been a week of denial for me, and a week of trying to find acceptance, trying to find the belief that Jesus, I trust in you. And trying to put aside my selfishness.

On Monday, while sitting in the Atlanta airport, I called my husband for the first time in a week. I had been in Washington DC attending a Catholic military conference for women. We chatted, I made sure he remembered the housekeeper was coming in the morning, and I said "Oh, by the way, I can't wait to tell you my exciting news. During the discernment process at conference, I was discerned back in to the finance manager position and accepted. I'm really excited about how God will use me in this organization." Instead of electing or voting people in to leadership rolls, we go through a process where we meet together and let the Holy Spirit guide us to who He wants where and where they can best be served. It's a beautiful way of finding leadership, and very humbling and honoring.

So how does my husband respond? "Oh! That's great. Congrats. Well then, I have something to tell you too. We got our notice of assignment. We're going to Idaho." .... dead silence. I was speechless as I felt tears well up in my eyes. I had known that we had 1 spot in NJ and 3 spots in Idaho available, and I had prayed and prayed for NJ and asked everyone else to do the same. I really and truly thought we'd get NJ. NOT Idaho.

The town in Idaho is a super small town. Population 14,000. Now, I'll be honest, I grew up in a town of 13,000. But, everything I possibly needed was within 30 minutes still. Except my church. That was an hour away, and I hated that drive. I was never really a fan of the small town feel. When I moved to the city for college, and even further when I lived in Chicago for 3 months, I was so happy! I loved it! I clearly wasn't a small town girl. When we were first married, we lived in a town with population 40,000 and I really struggled there. In other words, population 14,000 sounds horrible. The town has an albertsons and Walmart. ::chirp chirp:: yeah. That's it. Everything else is an hour away to the big city. AN HOUR AWAY.... I know people from the west think that's nothing, but for ME, that's forever.

I had these big, grand dreams that we'd move back to the states and have easy access to Target and Cosco, that I'd finally get a Kohls card, and that we'd eat Chic Fila every other week and be a part of a Catholic co-op for homeschooling. I would be able to live a more civilian lifestyle where everything we did was not 100% with other military people, as it has been living here. And now, those dreams are shattered. In the words of my husband "I think this is going to be a humbling assignment."

Church...Aside from the base chapel, which I can find zero information about, other than someone telling me they had about 12 people including babies, there is one church in town. It's small. Someone told me "it's mostly older people, but they're really great if you let them get to know you." Uhh... Church has always been my source for friendships. I grew up in a church that sat 10,000 people. (Yes, it was a mega church!)... But that means almost the entire population of the city we're moving to could fit in my hometown church! I am not a small town girl. I don't do things small. I'm a go-big or go-home type girl. And I'm going to have to attend a small church. This breaks my heart and I'm really struggling with it.

There was a notice that if you're interested in connecting with other Catholic homeschoolers, contact the email. I did. There is no Catholic homeschool group. She and another lady tried to start something up, but nothing came of it, and that lady's son has graduated. She is however part of a Christian group. Which is fine, It just makes me nervous after meeting so many Christians that try to get Catholics 'saved'. I'll probably get involved there, but I'll miss celebrating the Feast Days with my Catholic friends and the times we enjoy after every Friday Mass together. And having so many Catholic girlfriends to talk about the struggles of NFP, kids pulling your veil off, other with lots of kids, which Mass are you attending on the Holy Day, etc. There's also no Catholic Women of the Chapel or Military Council of Catholic Women.  And no, I'm not in a place to start one up.

Then housing... We are given a VERY small basic housing allowance while stationed there. So small, that Militarybyowner.com had none in our price range. A few other websites have one or two that are apartments, or else 2 bedrooms, or around 1200 sq ft. Since we homeschool, 1200 sq ft would be VERY difficult. We felt cramped in our on-base apartment, which was bigger than 1200 sq ft. So then we're left considering buying, which is difficult in the time of year we're moving and nerve-wracking knowing we might be leaving in 3 years. Or we're left with choosing base housing. Please Lord, don't send us there! Been there, done that, NOT something we want to do again.

Then medical. With my high-risk pregnancies, I'd have to drive an hour to the city for OB care if we get pregnant again. Plus I'll have to drive that far for my diabetes care. Have I ever mentioned I hate driving? And I just don't feel comfortable having to drive that far alone while very pregnant.

Deployments. My husband will be gone for 6 months, get home, then a year later deploy for another 6 months, home for a year, then another 6 months the entire time we're there. He's done 6 deployments in his 14 year career already. He'll be up to 8 at least by the time we leave.

I've tried to find the positive. I've asked what people love about it. There's never traffic. Ok, that barely bothers me, and CO barely ever had traffic. So, not enough for me. It's quiet. Well, unless you live on base, then you hear the planes. Yeah, no to both of those. On base, you know all your neighbors. Yeah, thanks but no thanks. I like knowing one or two, but I don't want to know everyone. The military is so small and gossipy. I really don't want to do that any more. I like having a full 6 degrees of separation, not just 3. It's beautiful and there's so many nature things to visit 'close by'. I couldn't care less about nature and science. Like, I abhor science. In other words, I seriously can't find anything positive. I was finally looking forward to leaving Germany, and now I'll be leaving kicking and screaming and crying.

So all of this said, I'm really struggling. Yesterday I was at a point where I thought Mary rode on a donkey pregnant to a town she did not want to go to... Then they had to flee to Egypt and I'm sure they didn't want to go to Egypt. And Jesus had to go in to Jerusalem and I'm sure He didn't want to go, knowing what was waiting for him. So I can do this. Then today, while sitting at our rather large parish, I thought about the small church and just lost it.

There's still a very small chance that it could change due to my diabetes, but it's pretty doubtful. The hour drive seems to be no big deal to most people. So we wait, and try to rush the medical stuff as fast as possible and see what they say.

The whole point of this post is really just a way for me to vent and get it all out at once. Please don't try to offer words of encouragement about how you're sure i'll come to love it, you've heard people love it, it's really not that bad driving an hour, or that sort of thing, because there aren't many things that can change my feelings and attitude. I wish I could just 'let it go' and leave it to God. But I'm really struggling with that right now. The unknown causes me so much anxiety, and this seems to be the worst ever for me. I think I was less nervous about Germany than I am about middle-of-no-where Idaho. Prayers are welcome though as I try to deal with my fears and knowing it's the complete opposite of everything I imagined.