I can't believe it's been 2 and a half weeks since our miscarriage. It still seems like it was just the other day. We are moving on, but it is still heavy on our thoughts.
We've been struggling, a lot. I've uttered words, to our friends, that I regret. This is hard to discuss, because I know I have many Catholic readers, but I also have many non-Catholic readers who likely don't understand my faith completely, don't understand why I ever left the Protestant church and faith I grew up in. I don't want to offend, or hurt anyone and their faith. I've said many times, I think all Christian denominations can lead to heaven, I just think the Catholic faith has so many more things to make you holier and get you closer to God. Are we not called to be like Jesus? In the Catholic faith, we have all of the Sacraments that bring you closer to Him, and we have the Eucharist, where we can partake in His suffering.
One of the issues in our family causing a fair amount of strife will make some Catholics laugh, and others, anyone really, to say "I can see why there's strife over that." My husband grew up in a VERY traditional, conservative Catholic family... Homeschooling, 14 children, Latin mass, praying the rosary nightly, etc. What more do you think of when you think of a very Catholic family?
We knew from the beginning of our marriage that we wanted a large family (but knew God was in control of that) but not large in comparison to his family. We figured like 5 kids, but open to what God had for us. My husband knew we'd homeschool. It wasn't until we had kids that I knew the same.
But Latin mass. Oh heck-to-the-no. That was NOT something I was willing to do. But I knew my husband loved and missed it. When we were in CO, I became willing to attend the Latin Mass (TLM) for one Sunday a month. I really didn't want to, but knowing he was the head of our home and missing it greatly, I was willing. For some reason, it never did happen.
When we moved here, we learned the closest Latin mass was about an hour away. I wasn't willing to go there, and I don't think he was/is. However, we have a very traditional, wonderful priest here, who has been talking to people and finding out that there is a desire for TLM here. I didn't believe it'd come about.
Long story short, and lots of personal details left out, our priest is trying to get the first Latin mass said here in our military community (With an English instead of German homily) for Aug 15, the Assumption of Mary, with my husband as the choir leader. I went crazy, to say the least. Mad at my husband, mad in a way at our priest, mad at the Catholic Church, not even wanting to go to Adoration and pray before the Blessed Sacrament, I even started saying "I hate TLM, I hate the rosary." As I said in my last post, Satan was using the emotions that were here from the miscarriage in our marriage. To me, this was a BIG problem, and to come right on the heals of our miscarriage, I was completely broken by this.
It took me several days to discover the root of my problems. There were a lot of roots. Hurt from the miscarriage, Anger and fear from the miscarriage and other things. Then I began to feel like God was calling me to a holier life, but dang, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was ANGRY at the Church over things, ANGRY about TLM, angry about the rosary. The last thing I wanted to do was to do things that were "more Catholic". I just wanted to wallow in my sorrow and anger.
After many conversations together, I was telling my husband "I've grown so angry, that I can't even pray any more. I was in the shower, and would get about 5 words out, out loud, and couldn't pray any more." Immediately, the phone rang, asking us to pray for a friend on the way to the ER. Immediately, my husband and I sat down and started praying what I'd been claiming I hated... the rosary. Somehow, even though I don't enjoy the rosary necessarily, sitting there, meditating on the Sorrowful mysteries with my husband, brought out a wave of emotions, especially surrounding everything we had and were going through. And somehow, the next day, while driving for 40 minutes alone, I was able to pray again. It was like a huge weight was lifted.
I came in and told my husband. "I think I know why I don't want to do TLM. And you're going to laugh, but please don't." I went on to tell him that when I think about very devout Catholics, they homeschool, use Natural Family Planning, have large families because they love each other and can't stay away when they're bodies crave each other, go to daily mass, pray the rosary all the time, study the Saints, go to Latin mass, wear skirts all the time, and all these other stereotypical things. And honestly, usually, most people see them as WEIRD! And well, I just don't want to be WEIRD!
He did his best to stifle the laughter. He really did. He said well, out of most of those, there's about 3 that we don't do... YET. And I'll never say you have to wear skirts every day, so we'll ignore that one. He said So, what's wrong with all of that? And I repeated "Most people see them as weird. I don't want to be WEIRD!!"
But since then, God has placed a lot on my heart.... He has pointed out what others thought of him as "King of the Jews", how they mocked him and persecuted Him. He has shown me all these things (Well, not ALL, but many) bring me closer to Him, and that He is calling me, drawing me nearer to Him. He's asked me "If these things are available, to get to know ME better, Aimee, why wouldn't you use them? They're for my glory, to bring you to me." I tried to tell Him that I didn't have the time, that I barely have time to keep up on the housework, teach my children, heck, I don't even work out which I desperately need to do. And he replied "But, aren't you suppose to do everything for Me? Do that housework for me, it'll bring us closer. As much as you hate it, work out for me, to take care of the body I've given you. It'll bring us closer."
So, i'm not saying I'm ok to the Latin mass yet, but I am saying God's softening my heart. And maybe I'll do it, and I'll do my best to do it with a joyful heart. Thankfully I have 2 months to find the joyfulness. My husband wants to 'teach' TLM to me, but I"m not sure how i feel about that. I mean, I still haven't learned German. I do NOT like cultural changes/language differences. It's just NOT my cup of tea. And I know that's why I'm fighting it a lot too. In the mean time, I will do my best to continue to seek after God, and pray that my heart is open to what he wants from me, to bring us closer together.
And to end with, I have been listening to this 1 hour audio CD by Jeff Cavins: 15 Things to Do in the Midst of Suffering. If you're suffering in any way, I STRONGLY recommend it. I was amazed at some of the things he said, that we actually followed throughout our suffering, and some that I thought "Wow, I wish I had known/thought of that before.
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