babies and "cwap cwap"

Last week was super busy, several doc appointments, two moms Nights Out, and Mops, and Bible study. I was so exhausted. Saturday we spent almost all day at our friends house. Jon helped change their brakes and messed up his finger pretty bad. I hung out with the kids and Bobbie all day, and we baked and had lots of fun.

I'm having a really hard time. I'm not sure if it's the progesterone I'm on (I'm taking 2,200mg in a week!), or that mixed with pregnancy and everything else going on, but I'm feeling really depressed. I've never felt depressed before, except for like 2 days with PMS. This is so bad, that even Jon thinks so. If I ever get in to see the OB, I plan on talking to them about it. Today is the first day I've been able to really get anything done in my house, without feeling mopey and not wanting to do anything. But yeah, Jon says that I'm complaining about everything and so pessimistic, which is NOT like me.

The kids are good. Hannah is saying so much, talking more than most kids her age. She loves her babies and if she's doing something she's not suppose to, it's easy to distract her by saying "Where's your baby?" She also loves to pull her shirt up and say "tickle tickle tickle" or come up to me or zach and do the same. She also says daddy all.day.long. It's her favorite word haha.

Zach is all about reading lately. He brings me books and says "close it" and tries to close my laptop lol. I decided to try to do http://letteroftheweek.com/ with Zach, but I didn't get very far. But, we've been learning about cows. A cute cow book if you're interested is Click Clack Moo by Doreen Cronin. He knows what noise cows make. And ducks say "cwap, cwap" lol. he also knows sheep say "baaa, baa" and he shakes his head while he says it lol. We've also been working on horses, birds, and a few other ones.

More than one can handle

I know God promises He will never give you more than you can handle... So, what if you feel like you're at your breaking point and you just can't take one more thing, but really, compared to others, you have it so easy and are so blessed?

That's how I'm currently feeling and am struggling with this. I feel like I'm barely hanging on, and am only because of God and his strength He gives me. Yet, I know I'm so blessed in comparison to others. I'm blessed with fertility (which, believe it or not, can be a cross too), I'm blessed that we have 2 healthy children and are expecting another, I'm blessed that my husband has a job and that because of it, we will be completely debt free in two years. I'm very blessed to be celebrating my 3rd anniversary next week and be so much more in love with my husband than I was 3 yrs ago.

Yet, I dont want to look at that. I want to look at the fact that within the next 6 months, I have things going on 3-4 mornings a week, plus doc appointments for me, plus packing and moving and all the other little stuff in between, like getting our wills done, renting a storage unit, finalizing stuff, all while pregnant and trying to control my diabetes, then moving to FL at 30 weeks pregnant and trying to find a new OB/docs, have my husband leave, having another freakin' c-section, without my husband there, recovering from a csection with a new baby, a 1yr and a 2 yo, and my husband not meeting our new one until Christmas, then him leaving again and not being with him again until summer 2011, and the complete overwhelming feeling I have non-stop now, the feeling of I'm sinking. None of this was a big deal when we started to try to conceive before Jon got orders. I keep telling myself God must have REALLY wanted us to have this child, and that God has really big plans for him or her.

And then I think of those around me. Those who are begging God to get pregnant, those who have children with issues they're trying to figure out, those who's parents are suffering from cancer, those who are having struggles in their marriage,those who's husbands are deployed right now and to places much worse than where mine is going, and I think, "Why am I complaining??"

Well, quite frankly, because God has allowed me to have the most I can handle right now, and I feel like I'm just barely surviving, yet, I feel like I can't discuss it with many, because they are having a much more difficult time than we are. So, alas, I am just telling the www instead. When you feel weak, it's those times that God makes you stronger huh? I'm just praying He doesn't allow any more tough things to come our way, because I'm just barely hanging on. And i'm praying for a good, healthy sounding heartbeat on Friday when I go to my first doc appointment, because after having a miscarriage a few months ago and learning another friend just had a 9 week miscarriage, I'm terrified.

No delay :'(

Jon got told today that he can't delay his orders without denying them. If he denies them, he can't reenlist. I'm an emotional wreck. I was REALLY trusting God to allow the orders to be denied. My faith has been really shaky already, so this doesnt help. We could use prayers for discernment, as we dont know what decisions to make from here, and I just REALLY dont want to talk to God at the moment.

God and His ways

So, for those of you that havent heard, about a week or so after Jon got orders, we got a positive home pregnancy test, so we are expecting again! We're super excited, but nervous, worried, etc as well. Jon has asked for a 2 month delay on his orders, because he's suppose to leave in July, and the baby is due in August.

One of my doctors has put me on progesterone, due to my recent miscarriage. I'm getting two shots twice a week, and orally every night. Unfortunately, these are really tough on my emotional state. I feel like I've become a total ... bad gal... for lack of a better, Christian-like word. I mean, seriously, I am so grumpy and jumpy and easy to chew someone out. I'm usually all talk, but not now, I'm all about doing it as well. (chewing people out)

So, this post is short, but if you're open for praying for us, we can use prayers for the following:
- that Jon's orders to get delayed, and super soon as it's really stressing me out
- for my mood/temper, that I may get use to the progesterone
- for the health and safety of the baby and myself
- for me as I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything going on in our lives

Thanks everyone. Hopefully I'll post more sooner than later :)